We all know that a most of our opinions, beliefs, and thought processes are based on how we where raised, what our parents, friends, and others like teachers and relatives instilled in us. And yes we all as we grow up and become adults develop ones that at times differ, even oppose what we where raised with. This happens in many ways, for many reasons. Well I wanted to share some of my opinions, that I know are completely different, even opposite what they where 10/15 years ago, and its 100% due the life of a 12 year old boy names Chris. I am not sharing, trying to say you need to share them, or even looking to start a debate or conversation on them. Just been on my mind a lot recently, and wanted to share how this boy has changed, in certain ways.
1. Kids acting out in public is not just due to being spoiled brats, and having bad lazy parents. Till about the age of 30, I thought this. And yes I would be that person, looking down on the parents of the child in Wal-Mart who was screaming/crying loudly for no apparent reason. Even if the was an apparent reason, it still make quick judgments, having no real knowledge of the situation and people involved in it. I no longer due this, cause of course I have learned there are many reasons for an outburst from a child, even a young adult, that on the surface might look like just a spoiled brat trying to get his way, really could be one of a 100 things that the parent cannot actually do anything about in that moment, and anything they did actually try, wouldn't help, thus they appear to not be trying anything at all. Learning this has helped me become a more sympathetic person in other aspics of life as well, as I know am able to refrain much more often from making quick judgments based off of limited information.
2. Rules put in place for the benefit of the few, but effect the many, need to be tolerated more. Not saying they all just need to be accepted once put in place all the time, but more time and thought needs to be done, to actually form a real opinion on whether they are needed or not. Ill give an example or two. a. Schools limiting what foods can be brought in by the kids. IE must be packaged with ingredients listed, or NOTHING with nuts, ETC. There was a time that if this rule where to be put in place I would scream to high heaven, "WTH, if there are a 4-5 kids with allergies, why should that limit what the other 400 kids gets to bring. Just ensure those 4-5 kids don't eat other peoples food. DUH". But now I realize its not that simple. and yes it might be a pain to have that limitation, but that pain, is much less then the pain of a death of a child who cannot for many different reasons you might have no actual clue about, cannot be 100% prevented from messing with those foods being around. b.City wide curfews. This is another I once thought was big brother stepping when when they should not. You might ask how did Chris affect my opinion on these, its not like it changes how I handle him in public. Your right is doesn't, but it does affect my state of mind, and how I have to handle being in public with him, at those times the curfew has been put in place. You see young people these days, as much as people what to say that our next generation is more compassionate, more accepting, and is more "progressive" when it comes to the needs of others then the past, in my opinion are just the opposite. For I feel that this attitude of just being "accepting" of others, actually leads to an attitude of less standing up for whats right. There is a difference being being accepting and being loving of people who are in the wrong, but that's a whole other discussion. But I mean how many times have you watched on youtube or FB a clip of some young people acting just plan ignorant, and everyone just stands around watching/filming. Instead of actually trying to step up and stop/prevent something really bad from happening, they sit back, and do nothing. They just "accept it". Well the curfew when in place in my opinion, helps curve the opportunities for those situations, thus making it safer for me and people in my situation, to keep my attention focused on what it needs to be on, rather than worrying about ignorant unsupervised people, who "accept" wrong things, rather than prevent them.
3. Pre natal testing for defects/health issues. This is a tough one, and I know might make a lot of people look at me and shake their head. But that's OK. You see I once thought like most of us, if we could test, and be aware of any possible health issues the baby will have as early as possible, pre birth, that can only be a good thing. And for the most part I still believe that. But there is one huge reason I now say. I wish that we did not have the capacity for doing this. It's one of those things where, yes I do admit a whole lot of positive can come out of having that knowledge, but due to one major issue in our society, there is also one HUGE negative that can come, and IMHO that huge negative outweighs any positive test result can come up with.
4. The importance of tone and body language when it comes to communication. Now this has been learned in many ways, personally and professionally. But Chris has made the biggest impact on me in this area. I can truly say, you can't fully know how much those two things can mean when talking to another person, unless that other person though is an intelligent person, but that intelligence is placed in them in a manner that restricts their verbal communication capacity. It is easy to ignore what effect your tone or body language can have, when a person is suppose to "listen to your words" but what happens if those words no longer have meaning? Think about it. Well that's where the other two come into play, and in a major way. This has also lead to me gaining a much better understanding and control over my anger issues, that plagued me for years, as I had to study myself, my actions and my tone, in times of frustration, and irritation. Looking back on things I am not sure I would have made the progress and changes needed in this challenge of my own life if not for him, and without those changes my marriage probably would not be intact.
5. Lastly and most importantly, the thing I now understand better than I ever would have in not for Chris, is learning what success truly is. Success in life has nothing to do with physical gain, nothing to do with awards, notoriety, or even the praise of others, Success is looking at what we are doing in life, and saying, that makes me happy, that truly brings me joy. You see, so much of our world today, defines success on physical things like money, power, and prestige. But really what does that gain anyone? And with those type of measurements, so much of today's people are left disappointed when they achieve these things, and then realize, they need more. And more, and more. Well Chris will probably never achieve any of these type of things. does that mean he will not have a successful life? Sadly some people will answer yes, mostly not out loud, but most, and even more sad is most, even those reading this, if your truly honest with yourself, have to admit, that when you see a person with mental or physical disabilities so great that they will never be able to care for themselves, or never will be able to do many of the things most of society take for granted, and say to themselves, how can they live a successful life? I tell you how, by still be allowed to be happy, to be joyful, and to be loved. And I promise you this, Chris is, and so am I.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
The wages of sin........
Romans 6:23.
We have all heard it, "For the wages of sin is death, But the gift of God is eternal life".
But what about when you have excepted God's gift, his grace, his love? Are there still wages? Of course they are, and I am experiencing something now along this topic that I thought I would share.
You see I once thought that I was a wise and smart person, and that it was my duty to share that wisdom with people. Tell them what was right and wrong, tell them when they were right or wrong. Well that was way off, man was it way off. Now I look at things a lot differently. I have come to believe that it is my duty to just share. Share what I have experienced, share what I am good at, bad at, share the love I have been shown, and share the grace I have been given. I still am not really sure why this is what I am supposed to do, but I feel it in my heart it is.
Today I am gonna share something I am going through right now, and hopefully Ill explain it correctly and what I feel in my heart will come out in writing properly
For many years I was an ungodly man. Heck I was an evil man. My heart was so full of hurt and anger. And it lead to a lot of sin. A lot of hurtful actions. And throughout these years, my sins cost me. I paid a lot of penalties. They almost cost me my marriage. Maybe even cost a life or two.
I say for many years cause I realized a little while ago, that if this continues, well death would be my penalty. But here's the kicker, it was not my death I was worried about, but the ones around me, the ones I was supposed to love and care for. I knew that my sin would cause wages others would pay, and these others did not deserve paying that price. My wife, My kids, and the others my life influenced, they deserved better.
So I cried out to God, and experienced the grace and forgiveness that was always talked about. So over the past couple years I have learned to let go a great deal of that hurt and anger, I have learned that I am forgiven, and loved, and that even with all that sin, I am can no longer be that evil person.
But guess what, the wages are still there. No Death is no longer a concern, but the penalties I owe are great. And ironically, the choice I have made to give my life to God, has actually caused the wages to be even greater!!! Yes that right, choosing Christ has cause my wages to get even worse in a sense. How is that you ask, how can they get worse than death? Well they can't really, for of course eternal damnation is the ultimate price of unrepentant sin. But The wages I am going to experience here on earth, those are what will be greater.
But why you ask, why are the penalties worse now that my life is in Gods hands?
Well there are a couple reasons. Let me explain, you see, as a sinful man, Satan had no concern with my life. I was choosing a life he wanted for me, so his job was easy, sit back and let me sin, for I was choosing it on my own. And when I sinned the penalties that where put on me, where just ones that where of the everyday variety. And since I was this hateful person, I really didn't care about the penalties, and who they where put upon. But now since I have put my life in God''s hands. Satan realizes that unless he acts, he will lose me. And in the end us, the ones on this earth are all he has to win, for he knows in the end he will lose himself, so all hes trying to do is take as many with him he can.
So he is acting. and since he has a lot of weaponry in his arsenal with me, due to all my sins, he has a lot to use against me. And he is using it all now. And now that I actually care about the wages, and about the people in my life, the hurt they experience, the wages hurt so much more than they would years ago when I chose not to care.
You see a few years back if my marriage would have ended, I would have dealt with it like I did everything else, blamed someone else, lashed out at others to hurt them so my hurt could be ignored. That kind of thing, and after a while of that I would have convinced myself that It did not really matter. If someone in my life left me, I would find reasons to convince myself I am better off without them, it is their lose, that sort of thing. If I was hurt, I would hurt others. Thus lessening the wages I was experiencing the moment, and ignoring the ultimate wage I would have to pay. But now, all those sins, and all that hurt I caused others in my life, when the consequences of them come up, and when I choose to care, they hurt so much more. Satan knows this, he knows how to hurt me, and he is now using that knowledge to its fullest. And unfortunalty when I fall into his traps, or give into the sin he asks of me, that hurt is much greater for me as well as others around me. And I do fall into them still, for we wall do, that is why we need God's grace/
Well now that I no longer what to deal with the wages as I did in the past, I am stuck with trying to deal with all these consequences in a different way, and because I did it one way for so long, it has been hard to learn new ways, and when I try new ways and they don't work, it leads to even more consequences. And I also at times still revert to the old ways as well, just cause well, old habits are hard to break. Which those actually give Satan even more strength. And he needs my death for a victory, so he will do everything he can that might lead me off the path of eternal life, he is no longer sitting back and just watching.
Now I am not writing this to complain, and to whine about what I am currently experiencing, I am writing this for the same to reasons I have written most of my entries. 1 writing helps me think things through, and when I do that I do much better than when I just act. And 2, I hope that by my sharing, something is learned. By me and whoever else there is there is God has led to read this. Learn from my mistakes, and learn that those mistakes are not the end of me.
So now to wrap up. One might ask, how can it be worth choosing a path that actually has stronger penalties, greater prices to be paid? Well just like everything else in life, the harder your are made to work, the greater the reward will be. And it really helps to know that no matter what is thrown at me, no matter what I have already done, and will do, as long as I keep turning to God, that reward will be waiting for me, but even more importantly, I will have done what God asked of me, and the reward will spill over the to the ones I love, and that is the ultimate reward.
We have all heard it, "For the wages of sin is death, But the gift of God is eternal life".
But what about when you have excepted God's gift, his grace, his love? Are there still wages? Of course they are, and I am experiencing something now along this topic that I thought I would share.
You see I once thought that I was a wise and smart person, and that it was my duty to share that wisdom with people. Tell them what was right and wrong, tell them when they were right or wrong. Well that was way off, man was it way off. Now I look at things a lot differently. I have come to believe that it is my duty to just share. Share what I have experienced, share what I am good at, bad at, share the love I have been shown, and share the grace I have been given. I still am not really sure why this is what I am supposed to do, but I feel it in my heart it is.
Today I am gonna share something I am going through right now, and hopefully Ill explain it correctly and what I feel in my heart will come out in writing properly
For many years I was an ungodly man. Heck I was an evil man. My heart was so full of hurt and anger. And it lead to a lot of sin. A lot of hurtful actions. And throughout these years, my sins cost me. I paid a lot of penalties. They almost cost me my marriage. Maybe even cost a life or two.
I say for many years cause I realized a little while ago, that if this continues, well death would be my penalty. But here's the kicker, it was not my death I was worried about, but the ones around me, the ones I was supposed to love and care for. I knew that my sin would cause wages others would pay, and these others did not deserve paying that price. My wife, My kids, and the others my life influenced, they deserved better.
So I cried out to God, and experienced the grace and forgiveness that was always talked about. So over the past couple years I have learned to let go a great deal of that hurt and anger, I have learned that I am forgiven, and loved, and that even with all that sin, I am can no longer be that evil person.
But guess what, the wages are still there. No Death is no longer a concern, but the penalties I owe are great. And ironically, the choice I have made to give my life to God, has actually caused the wages to be even greater!!! Yes that right, choosing Christ has cause my wages to get even worse in a sense. How is that you ask, how can they get worse than death? Well they can't really, for of course eternal damnation is the ultimate price of unrepentant sin. But The wages I am going to experience here on earth, those are what will be greater.
But why you ask, why are the penalties worse now that my life is in Gods hands?
Well there are a couple reasons. Let me explain, you see, as a sinful man, Satan had no concern with my life. I was choosing a life he wanted for me, so his job was easy, sit back and let me sin, for I was choosing it on my own. And when I sinned the penalties that where put on me, where just ones that where of the everyday variety. And since I was this hateful person, I really didn't care about the penalties, and who they where put upon. But now since I have put my life in God''s hands. Satan realizes that unless he acts, he will lose me. And in the end us, the ones on this earth are all he has to win, for he knows in the end he will lose himself, so all hes trying to do is take as many with him he can.
So he is acting. and since he has a lot of weaponry in his arsenal with me, due to all my sins, he has a lot to use against me. And he is using it all now. And now that I actually care about the wages, and about the people in my life, the hurt they experience, the wages hurt so much more than they would years ago when I chose not to care.
You see a few years back if my marriage would have ended, I would have dealt with it like I did everything else, blamed someone else, lashed out at others to hurt them so my hurt could be ignored. That kind of thing, and after a while of that I would have convinced myself that It did not really matter. If someone in my life left me, I would find reasons to convince myself I am better off without them, it is their lose, that sort of thing. If I was hurt, I would hurt others. Thus lessening the wages I was experiencing the moment, and ignoring the ultimate wage I would have to pay. But now, all those sins, and all that hurt I caused others in my life, when the consequences of them come up, and when I choose to care, they hurt so much more. Satan knows this, he knows how to hurt me, and he is now using that knowledge to its fullest. And unfortunalty when I fall into his traps, or give into the sin he asks of me, that hurt is much greater for me as well as others around me. And I do fall into them still, for we wall do, that is why we need God's grace/
Well now that I no longer what to deal with the wages as I did in the past, I am stuck with trying to deal with all these consequences in a different way, and because I did it one way for so long, it has been hard to learn new ways, and when I try new ways and they don't work, it leads to even more consequences. And I also at times still revert to the old ways as well, just cause well, old habits are hard to break. Which those actually give Satan even more strength. And he needs my death for a victory, so he will do everything he can that might lead me off the path of eternal life, he is no longer sitting back and just watching.
Now I am not writing this to complain, and to whine about what I am currently experiencing, I am writing this for the same to reasons I have written most of my entries. 1 writing helps me think things through, and when I do that I do much better than when I just act. And 2, I hope that by my sharing, something is learned. By me and whoever else there is there is God has led to read this. Learn from my mistakes, and learn that those mistakes are not the end of me.
So now to wrap up. One might ask, how can it be worth choosing a path that actually has stronger penalties, greater prices to be paid? Well just like everything else in life, the harder your are made to work, the greater the reward will be. And it really helps to know that no matter what is thrown at me, no matter what I have already done, and will do, as long as I keep turning to God, that reward will be waiting for me, but even more importantly, I will have done what God asked of me, and the reward will spill over the to the ones I love, and that is the ultimate reward.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
My love for the NBA draft
I love basketball, that is no secret. And I love college basketball, and the NBA draft. People now a days are so down on the draft, saying the one n done rule in college is killing the draft, making it a complete crap shoot, cause we really have not seen the players enough.
That's bull crap. Its has been a crap shoot for 40 years. Even the argument that the college players with only one year on experience have less experience then the college players in previous generations, is a farce. My dads generation, freshman where not even allowed to play on the varsity squads. and an average season was 20-25 games. So many of you top players played two years of varsity ball, got maybe 50 games under their belt. A freshman now can get 40 games under his belt in one year, and given the amount of playing experience they get prior to college, with summer leagues and such, they get it said experience way before players of 40 years ago.
That being said look at the 1980 draft. There was only 2 players drafted that could be considered franchise changing or perennial all start players. Kevin Mckale and Kiki Vandaweigh. Picked 3rd and 11th. The first two picks, though had decent 10 year careers each, made a collective ONE AS game.
Take a look at 1990. that year only ONE perennial all star, Gary Peyton. The 1st pick Derrick Coleman again had a decent carer, but again only ONE AS appearance. The p[layer probably ranked second in impact was Toni Kukoc, picked in 2nd round. 1995 the best pick came in the 2nd round with Michael Redd, who, ya maybe you know who I am talking about.
Then there are years like 1994 with Olajuwon, Jordan and Barkley or 2002 with James, Melo and Wade. Years where you do end up with a 1-10 shot to get a HOF championship quality leader.
But all in all its a crap shoot, with only about 1 sure thing every 3 years or so. Davis 2012, Wall 2010, Rose 2008, Howard 2004, James 2003, Ming 2002, Duncan 1997, Shaq 1992, ETC.
So all that being said, I am tired of hearing two things around the draft. How the youth is killing it, but also how prior to the draft, all the hype that is given to all the different players. I also am sick of hearing about all the possible greatness around the euro players. Cmon, we have had 3 in 20 years really pan out. Dirk, Pau, and ??? I am sure there was another.
So here is my prediction for 2015.
There are possibly 3 franchise leading players, just like every other year. Those 3 are, yep, the predicted top 3 picks. That was hard huh. Towns, Okefor, and Russell.
Here's the tough part, after those 3 where are there some players that you can use as building blocks, cause in the end that is what the draft is for 80% of the time. if your not one of the 3 teams getting the possible franchise, then you hope for a positive addition to pair with your current franchise player, or one your going after in free agency. So who are they. Well your in luck I will tell ya.
1st I'm gonna go with two UK blue breds. Willie Cauley Stein, and Devon Booker.
Stein will never end up being a 20 point big man, but what he is going to be is a GREAT defender, not only at the rim, but in PickNroll. He has great athleticism for a 7'1" man, and his footwork is top notch. Think Jordan with the clippers, or a taller version of Ben Wallace from the Piston teams that went to 6 str8 conference finals.
Booker is a 6'6" two, that is the BEST shooter in the draft hands down. He averaged 10 points on a team in which he never had a play called for him, and he played less than 20 minutes a game. Give him 32 minutes and game, and a spread floor, he will light it up. He can also defend the 1, 2 and 3 positions.
Norman Powell, 6'4" guard from UCLA. Want a two guard, with GREAT athleticism and leadership. This is your guy. Put him on a team, who has a top notch PG, and Big man, and he will add a piece you might be missing for a championship. Its to bad the clippers gave up their 1st rounder, but not a surprise its the 28th pick, close to where many project Powell will go.
Jerein Grant, 6'3" PG from ND. Pure point guard with great shooting ability. Leadership and experience is their as he played 4 years at ND, and though some say he has already hit his ceiling, I say no way. He needed better skill around him, so he didn't have to force it so much. He can start at point on many teams NOW. He is not a lottery pick talent, but could make major impact for a team needing a PG and picking late 1st round. Lakers, Cavs, Spurs!!!!
Well there you have it, if your one of the 10 people who read this and want my suggestion for your team let me know.
That's bull crap. Its has been a crap shoot for 40 years. Even the argument that the college players with only one year on experience have less experience then the college players in previous generations, is a farce. My dads generation, freshman where not even allowed to play on the varsity squads. and an average season was 20-25 games. So many of you top players played two years of varsity ball, got maybe 50 games under their belt. A freshman now can get 40 games under his belt in one year, and given the amount of playing experience they get prior to college, with summer leagues and such, they get it said experience way before players of 40 years ago.
That being said look at the 1980 draft. There was only 2 players drafted that could be considered franchise changing or perennial all start players. Kevin Mckale and Kiki Vandaweigh. Picked 3rd and 11th. The first two picks, though had decent 10 year careers each, made a collective ONE AS game.
Take a look at 1990. that year only ONE perennial all star, Gary Peyton. The 1st pick Derrick Coleman again had a decent carer, but again only ONE AS appearance. The p[layer probably ranked second in impact was Toni Kukoc, picked in 2nd round. 1995 the best pick came in the 2nd round with Michael Redd, who, ya maybe you know who I am talking about.
Then there are years like 1994 with Olajuwon, Jordan and Barkley or 2002 with James, Melo and Wade. Years where you do end up with a 1-10 shot to get a HOF championship quality leader.
But all in all its a crap shoot, with only about 1 sure thing every 3 years or so. Davis 2012, Wall 2010, Rose 2008, Howard 2004, James 2003, Ming 2002, Duncan 1997, Shaq 1992, ETC.
So all that being said, I am tired of hearing two things around the draft. How the youth is killing it, but also how prior to the draft, all the hype that is given to all the different players. I also am sick of hearing about all the possible greatness around the euro players. Cmon, we have had 3 in 20 years really pan out. Dirk, Pau, and ??? I am sure there was another.
So here is my prediction for 2015.
There are possibly 3 franchise leading players, just like every other year. Those 3 are, yep, the predicted top 3 picks. That was hard huh. Towns, Okefor, and Russell.
Here's the tough part, after those 3 where are there some players that you can use as building blocks, cause in the end that is what the draft is for 80% of the time. if your not one of the 3 teams getting the possible franchise, then you hope for a positive addition to pair with your current franchise player, or one your going after in free agency. So who are they. Well your in luck I will tell ya.
1st I'm gonna go with two UK blue breds. Willie Cauley Stein, and Devon Booker.
Stein will never end up being a 20 point big man, but what he is going to be is a GREAT defender, not only at the rim, but in PickNroll. He has great athleticism for a 7'1" man, and his footwork is top notch. Think Jordan with the clippers, or a taller version of Ben Wallace from the Piston teams that went to 6 str8 conference finals.
Booker is a 6'6" two, that is the BEST shooter in the draft hands down. He averaged 10 points on a team in which he never had a play called for him, and he played less than 20 minutes a game. Give him 32 minutes and game, and a spread floor, he will light it up. He can also defend the 1, 2 and 3 positions.
Norman Powell, 6'4" guard from UCLA. Want a two guard, with GREAT athleticism and leadership. This is your guy. Put him on a team, who has a top notch PG, and Big man, and he will add a piece you might be missing for a championship. Its to bad the clippers gave up their 1st rounder, but not a surprise its the 28th pick, close to where many project Powell will go.
Jerein Grant, 6'3" PG from ND. Pure point guard with great shooting ability. Leadership and experience is their as he played 4 years at ND, and though some say he has already hit his ceiling, I say no way. He needed better skill around him, so he didn't have to force it so much. He can start at point on many teams NOW. He is not a lottery pick talent, but could make major impact for a team needing a PG and picking late 1st round. Lakers, Cavs, Spurs!!!!
Well there you have it, if your one of the 10 people who read this and want my suggestion for your team let me know.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Happy Father's day
This will be my 15th Father's day as an actual Father. It will also be the first after losing my Father.
This week my Dad has been on my mind a lot, but not in the missing him sort of way, but instead I have looked back as to what he did for me and the rest of my siblings. And while thinking back to it all I realized that I have become him in many ways.
Now in saying that it brings up many feelings, some positive and some negative as well. But as I think about deeper, I realize that all in all its a good thing I have in a way become a man following in his footsteps. For you see, even the supposedly negative aspects of doing this where needed for me to become the man God intended, and in the end that is what my Dad wanted, for me to be a man that followed my Father, my heavenly Father.
So the rest of this will be about thanking my Dad, for showing me how to both be a Father, and how the follow our Father.
1. Thanks for showing me what work ethic is. You worked harder than anyone I have ever encountered, to provide for a family of seven kids. I never once heard you complain about it either. And even though you had to work so hard to do this, you still find time to coach a team, just so I could play a sport I loved. Not only coach it, but create a whole organization, that went nation wide, helping to create an opportunity for countless kids like myself, one they would not have had without your efforts. You impact was truly nationwide.
2. Thanks for showing me what integrity is. Showing me the truth in things, and how to establish what is true, and the importance of standing up for it. Now there have been times, I have miss used this trait, but that is not your fault. but even in those times, being able to know and stand for what is true was what you intended. Also being able to handle the persecution and at time the hate that will come my way while standing up for the truth.
3. Thanks for showing me that no matter what, my spouse is second to only our God. Now to often as a young person I did not see this properly. But once I finally followed your lead, and put my life in Gods hands, I saw how much an example of this your always where. Your loved mom, to the best of your ability in a manner that God instructed us to, and in times where we all thought that love was dead, you stood strong, doing what Christ said, and it showed me that following Christ's instruction does lead to happiness.
4. Thanks for showing me whats really important in life. Things like time with your family, taking time to enjoy things like a card game with friends, a plate of food you made yourself, (even though he was a terrible cook), and just the simple pleasure of seeing others enjoying themselves. Not money, not a big house, and fancy new car every couple years. Enjoying a car ride, no matter what the destination, and even when the destination is something great, the journey can be just a great.
5. Thanks for being a leader, and showing me that a that a true leader is a servant. This is mentioned a lot in the bible, and I was very lucky to have a great example of what a servant leader looks like. Much of his life was serving people. In his Job, in the church, as a coach, and as a father.
6. Thanks for installing in me high standards. This is one of those traits that at times I have miss used as well, but am now learning how to use them properly. Couple this with learning how to deal with failure, see below, has been key. Shoot for the moon, even when you miss your among the stars, I never heard him say that, but it was referenced once and he heartily agreed.
7. And thanks for showing me that God is first, no matter what. I even feel his example of failing himself at putting God first at times was needed, cause we all fail, its how we respond that determines what kind of person your are. And I needed an example on how to deal with failure. But again hindsight has shown me that he did put God first for the better part of what I saw in his life, and for this I am a better man.
I have a lot more to thank him for, but he knows how I feel. So lastly thanks for being the example I needed so that I could live a life that will lead to us spending eternity together, when the time comes. For in the end that is what God intended for us both.
This week my Dad has been on my mind a lot, but not in the missing him sort of way, but instead I have looked back as to what he did for me and the rest of my siblings. And while thinking back to it all I realized that I have become him in many ways.
Now in saying that it brings up many feelings, some positive and some negative as well. But as I think about deeper, I realize that all in all its a good thing I have in a way become a man following in his footsteps. For you see, even the supposedly negative aspects of doing this where needed for me to become the man God intended, and in the end that is what my Dad wanted, for me to be a man that followed my Father, my heavenly Father.
So the rest of this will be about thanking my Dad, for showing me how to both be a Father, and how the follow our Father.
1. Thanks for showing me what work ethic is. You worked harder than anyone I have ever encountered, to provide for a family of seven kids. I never once heard you complain about it either. And even though you had to work so hard to do this, you still find time to coach a team, just so I could play a sport I loved. Not only coach it, but create a whole organization, that went nation wide, helping to create an opportunity for countless kids like myself, one they would not have had without your efforts. You impact was truly nationwide.
2. Thanks for showing me what integrity is. Showing me the truth in things, and how to establish what is true, and the importance of standing up for it. Now there have been times, I have miss used this trait, but that is not your fault. but even in those times, being able to know and stand for what is true was what you intended. Also being able to handle the persecution and at time the hate that will come my way while standing up for the truth.
3. Thanks for showing me that no matter what, my spouse is second to only our God. Now to often as a young person I did not see this properly. But once I finally followed your lead, and put my life in Gods hands, I saw how much an example of this your always where. Your loved mom, to the best of your ability in a manner that God instructed us to, and in times where we all thought that love was dead, you stood strong, doing what Christ said, and it showed me that following Christ's instruction does lead to happiness.
4. Thanks for showing me whats really important in life. Things like time with your family, taking time to enjoy things like a card game with friends, a plate of food you made yourself, (even though he was a terrible cook), and just the simple pleasure of seeing others enjoying themselves. Not money, not a big house, and fancy new car every couple years. Enjoying a car ride, no matter what the destination, and even when the destination is something great, the journey can be just a great.
5. Thanks for being a leader, and showing me that a that a true leader is a servant. This is mentioned a lot in the bible, and I was very lucky to have a great example of what a servant leader looks like. Much of his life was serving people. In his Job, in the church, as a coach, and as a father.
6. Thanks for installing in me high standards. This is one of those traits that at times I have miss used as well, but am now learning how to use them properly. Couple this with learning how to deal with failure, see below, has been key. Shoot for the moon, even when you miss your among the stars, I never heard him say that, but it was referenced once and he heartily agreed.
7. And thanks for showing me that God is first, no matter what. I even feel his example of failing himself at putting God first at times was needed, cause we all fail, its how we respond that determines what kind of person your are. And I needed an example on how to deal with failure. But again hindsight has shown me that he did put God first for the better part of what I saw in his life, and for this I am a better man.
I have a lot more to thank him for, but he knows how I feel. So lastly thanks for being the example I needed so that I could live a life that will lead to us spending eternity together, when the time comes. For in the end that is what God intended for us both.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
I failed my family for years
OK let me start by saying this is not a post of wallowing in self pity. I am not looking for sympathy for anything I am about to write about. I have repented for what I am about to talk about, and I know God has forgiven me. This is more about the person I am trying to become, and openly acknowledging the hurt I have caused some people I deeply care about
I now realize that to be able grow into the person I am supposed to be, I have to be 100% transparent, open and truthful at all times, and I have to confess my sins and short comings. And this is what this post is about, my shortcomings as a older brother, and what it has lead to.
One thing I now try to practice, is instead of giving advice in situations, but to share what has worked and not worked for me. I try to share that, and allow the person I am with discern for themselves how to use that information. For you see, I suck at advice, and my track record shows it. To often in the past, especially in situations with my younger siblings, I would share my opinion on what they ought or ought not to do. Many times my "advice" was more judgment, and criticism then advice. And many times I felt justified in the judgment I was dishing out because of the position I was in, or put in by others.
You see there was a time, when my younger siblings all looked up to me, even as they where adults. I was one that they thought had things under control, or they could always come to, and I would be there for them. And for a while I tried to be that person. And to be that person I hid the true me. But here is the problem, the true me would come out. The angry/sinful person I was would come out in the ways I would try and be there for them, by telling them how they where wrong, or how they needed to act in situations. And because I was not right with God or even with myself, of course then those situations would never turn out positive. Well this post is about those situations, confessing my sins on them, and being 100% transparent.
As an older brother, I should have been a role model. I should have been a man that if my younger sisters looked at, they saw a person I would want them to model their choices in men after. I was no where near that. I should have showed them what a loving man should be, what a leader of a household should be, and what a man of God should be. Some people will say, but that is what the Father should do, and they are right, but an older sibling should as well. As a teenager I was not loving, at times I was physically and verbally abusive. As an adult, my hatred of what I was, would fuel the way I treated them. So here are a few specific confessions
To my sister Sarah.
I was not a proper brother growing up. I remember a time as a teenager, we got into a fight, and I pushed you down, and even kicked you a couple times while your where on the floor. I have no idea what the fight was about, but it doesn't matter the context, that was so wrong of me. After I performed your wedding ceremony. I allowed my pride to warp the fact that you came to me for things like that. And that pride came out in very negative ways towards you. My pride caused me to look at your life, and find ways to criticize things you did, in an effort to make you look so bad, so that I didn't feel bad for you looking up to me. Cause you see I hated my life, and the person I was. And I knew I was not deserving of the way you looked at me. So I had to beat you down, to feel deserving. It's messed up I know. So in situations like Jennifer's wedding, when I thought you where not acting appropriately, I would lash out at you, and do my best to make you look like a terrible person. I want you to know is you are not a terrible person. And I hope you can forgive me of my actions in these situation, and the others like that. These are just a couple specific things, but I am so sorry for them.
To my sister Rachel.
After I moved out of the house, I would look at the things you did and get so very mad. You see, I was a terrible teen as well, and I did well to hide my sins from Mom and Dad, so they never knew, or hid well that they did. But with you they knew it, and at that time, in my opinion did not do anything about it. I thought that they should have punished you in so many ways, and when they did not up to my expectations, I got mad. In same fashion as with Sarah, I thought that your faults needed to be pointed out and punished, so mine did not seem so bad. I wanted you to be punished to help me feel better about mine. Again very messed up. So due to this, I held a lot of animosity towards you, and later in life it would come out as being very judgmental towards you in many situations. One example It came out was in the situation around Sky's Bday, it hurt my family, but the real reason I used was it gave me an excuse to lash out and try and point out faults, whether they where valid or not. This was very wrong of me and opposite of the person I am supposed to be. Especially as an older brother. I ask that you can forgive my actions, and even some of the actions of others around me, cause I am at some level the reason for those as well. My judgemental attitude towards you was never proper, and for that I am very sorry.
To my sister Jennifer.
Very similar to what I wrote about Rachel. I also looked at you in very judgmental ways, only in an effort to degrade your life, to justify my feelings of mine. It was for the most part done very passive/aggressively, but done very often. I would dismiss your opinion, or point out things you did, like degrade the way you handled your family/kids. There where times I would criticize you openly to other family members, in a jokingly way, but those where things I should not joke about, or even discuss with others the way I did. If I saw you express an struggle, instead of listening toy our struggle, and listen to the way it made you feel, I would jump on the opportunity, to just criticize the way you handled said struggle. These type of things are again, the opposite of what I as person should be, especially an older brother. I should of instead shared love, and shared guidance by example, instead of worthless spoken criticism. These are just a few examples, but for them and others like them, I am very sorry, and ask for forgiveness.
To my brother Paul.
I will say that there are not examples like the ones I have mentioned with our sisters, that I have failed you as an older brother. But I huge one is the example I gave you as a man. With the age difference, as a teen and as an young adult, I should have been a godly example of what a person/man should be. I was not. You saw a lot of the things I mentioned above, and that example was very poor of what a brother should be. As you became an adult yourself, and the time we spent together, I also gave a very poor example of what a man should be. Conversations we had about women, conversations we had about life, at times I spoke in a very ungodly manner. Now I will say I have not seen you enough to know what you have taken from my examples, but that is not my responsibility, my only responsibility was and is to be a good example and I was not for many years. For that I am very sorry and ask for your forgiveness.
In closing I also want to say that if what I have just done, in sharing these sins of mine in a very public fashion, hurts or offends any of the mentioned people, or anyone else for that matter, I am sorry, that was not my intention.
So going forward, I pray that I can now be the person God intended me to be, and though it does not make up for the sins of the past, I pray It can heal them.
Thanks and God Bless.
I now realize that to be able grow into the person I am supposed to be, I have to be 100% transparent, open and truthful at all times, and I have to confess my sins and short comings. And this is what this post is about, my shortcomings as a older brother, and what it has lead to.
One thing I now try to practice, is instead of giving advice in situations, but to share what has worked and not worked for me. I try to share that, and allow the person I am with discern for themselves how to use that information. For you see, I suck at advice, and my track record shows it. To often in the past, especially in situations with my younger siblings, I would share my opinion on what they ought or ought not to do. Many times my "advice" was more judgment, and criticism then advice. And many times I felt justified in the judgment I was dishing out because of the position I was in, or put in by others.
You see there was a time, when my younger siblings all looked up to me, even as they where adults. I was one that they thought had things under control, or they could always come to, and I would be there for them. And for a while I tried to be that person. And to be that person I hid the true me. But here is the problem, the true me would come out. The angry/sinful person I was would come out in the ways I would try and be there for them, by telling them how they where wrong, or how they needed to act in situations. And because I was not right with God or even with myself, of course then those situations would never turn out positive. Well this post is about those situations, confessing my sins on them, and being 100% transparent.
As an older brother, I should have been a role model. I should have been a man that if my younger sisters looked at, they saw a person I would want them to model their choices in men after. I was no where near that. I should have showed them what a loving man should be, what a leader of a household should be, and what a man of God should be. Some people will say, but that is what the Father should do, and they are right, but an older sibling should as well. As a teenager I was not loving, at times I was physically and verbally abusive. As an adult, my hatred of what I was, would fuel the way I treated them. So here are a few specific confessions
To my sister Sarah.
I was not a proper brother growing up. I remember a time as a teenager, we got into a fight, and I pushed you down, and even kicked you a couple times while your where on the floor. I have no idea what the fight was about, but it doesn't matter the context, that was so wrong of me. After I performed your wedding ceremony. I allowed my pride to warp the fact that you came to me for things like that. And that pride came out in very negative ways towards you. My pride caused me to look at your life, and find ways to criticize things you did, in an effort to make you look so bad, so that I didn't feel bad for you looking up to me. Cause you see I hated my life, and the person I was. And I knew I was not deserving of the way you looked at me. So I had to beat you down, to feel deserving. It's messed up I know. So in situations like Jennifer's wedding, when I thought you where not acting appropriately, I would lash out at you, and do my best to make you look like a terrible person. I want you to know is you are not a terrible person. And I hope you can forgive me of my actions in these situation, and the others like that. These are just a couple specific things, but I am so sorry for them.
To my sister Rachel.
After I moved out of the house, I would look at the things you did and get so very mad. You see, I was a terrible teen as well, and I did well to hide my sins from Mom and Dad, so they never knew, or hid well that they did. But with you they knew it, and at that time, in my opinion did not do anything about it. I thought that they should have punished you in so many ways, and when they did not up to my expectations, I got mad. In same fashion as with Sarah, I thought that your faults needed to be pointed out and punished, so mine did not seem so bad. I wanted you to be punished to help me feel better about mine. Again very messed up. So due to this, I held a lot of animosity towards you, and later in life it would come out as being very judgmental towards you in many situations. One example It came out was in the situation around Sky's Bday, it hurt my family, but the real reason I used was it gave me an excuse to lash out and try and point out faults, whether they where valid or not. This was very wrong of me and opposite of the person I am supposed to be. Especially as an older brother. I ask that you can forgive my actions, and even some of the actions of others around me, cause I am at some level the reason for those as well. My judgemental attitude towards you was never proper, and for that I am very sorry.
To my sister Jennifer.
Very similar to what I wrote about Rachel. I also looked at you in very judgmental ways, only in an effort to degrade your life, to justify my feelings of mine. It was for the most part done very passive/aggressively, but done very often. I would dismiss your opinion, or point out things you did, like degrade the way you handled your family/kids. There where times I would criticize you openly to other family members, in a jokingly way, but those where things I should not joke about, or even discuss with others the way I did. If I saw you express an struggle, instead of listening toy our struggle, and listen to the way it made you feel, I would jump on the opportunity, to just criticize the way you handled said struggle. These type of things are again, the opposite of what I as person should be, especially an older brother. I should of instead shared love, and shared guidance by example, instead of worthless spoken criticism. These are just a few examples, but for them and others like them, I am very sorry, and ask for forgiveness.
To my brother Paul.
I will say that there are not examples like the ones I have mentioned with our sisters, that I have failed you as an older brother. But I huge one is the example I gave you as a man. With the age difference, as a teen and as an young adult, I should have been a godly example of what a person/man should be. I was not. You saw a lot of the things I mentioned above, and that example was very poor of what a brother should be. As you became an adult yourself, and the time we spent together, I also gave a very poor example of what a man should be. Conversations we had about women, conversations we had about life, at times I spoke in a very ungodly manner. Now I will say I have not seen you enough to know what you have taken from my examples, but that is not my responsibility, my only responsibility was and is to be a good example and I was not for many years. For that I am very sorry and ask for your forgiveness.
In closing I also want to say that if what I have just done, in sharing these sins of mine in a very public fashion, hurts or offends any of the mentioned people, or anyone else for that matter, I am sorry, that was not my intention.
So going forward, I pray that I can now be the person God intended me to be, and though it does not make up for the sins of the past, I pray It can heal them.
Thanks and God Bless.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
An emotional month.
March O March.
you hold so many important things in my life.
I was born, my first date with my wife, my first child was born, and my Mother died.
March also is the time of my most favorite sporting event, known as March Madness, or THE tournament. And this event as well as the rest of college basketball, was really the only thing my Father and I could talk in depth about, in a joyous way. And for the first time this March this cannot happen.
I hate to say I never felt close to my Dad. As a youth, I always looked at him as a person not to make angry, that's all. As a teen, he tried so hard to show love in the way of sports, specifically basketball. He spent so much time and effort with me in this game. Started a whole freaking team, and organization just so I could play. During the season, pretty much all his free time was spent leading this team/organization. And though I loved it, and it also became a huge part of my life, it also became a way for me to be angry with him. More more as time passed.
After high school, I had allowed my anger to control so much of me, that it was all I thought of when I was around him. With one exception. College Basketball. Even with my anger, we both watched the games in the same way, we studied the game, as a coach would, as a teacher or better yet as a student of the game would. And we could discuss what we saw in great detail and at many times actually agree. Which was rare otherwise. While still in HS I would get all my School work done early in the day on the opening days of the tournament, so I could watch the games and keep up with every one of them as they where played, and when he got home from work, we would review the ones from the day, and watch the evening ones together. Each with our bracket by our side.
During the weekends we would watch all day. Only thing possibly preventing this was a basketball commitment I might have had, then we would do that together. But all in all our relationship hinged on this month. Otherwise there wasn't much else we could get along around.
Now sure as I got older, had my own kids, his grand kids, my anger mellowed. And we could discuss things as adults, but there really never much love, at least on my side of things. I would't allow it. I was to angry to much for things, that looking back on it ,where really trivial. But hey they usually are. But each March we could still talk on the phone a bit, discussing who we thought could win it, or be the surprise of the tourney. He grew up in the Midwest, and was a big ten fan. Teams from Indiana and Illinois area, I developed love for the Big Blue of Kentucky. And we would go back and forth on the programs, the past and future.
Well I was able to do what was needed these past couple years to get rid of that anger, but it was too late. Last March his health was bad, and he didn't even follow the games. I called him once to see if he was watching any games, but he was not. And then few months later he passed away. So this month I will not make that call. Making that call also helped me deal with the sadness of the last day of the month. So this month I ask for prayer, that I may have peace, I know that they both are now together for eternity, and will look down on me with Joy, looking forward to being with me again. But it will be hard for me, I know it. Luckily I can lean on my wife and friends this month, for they will keep me at peace.
you hold so many important things in my life.
I was born, my first date with my wife, my first child was born, and my Mother died.
March also is the time of my most favorite sporting event, known as March Madness, or THE tournament. And this event as well as the rest of college basketball, was really the only thing my Father and I could talk in depth about, in a joyous way. And for the first time this March this cannot happen.
I hate to say I never felt close to my Dad. As a youth, I always looked at him as a person not to make angry, that's all. As a teen, he tried so hard to show love in the way of sports, specifically basketball. He spent so much time and effort with me in this game. Started a whole freaking team, and organization just so I could play. During the season, pretty much all his free time was spent leading this team/organization. And though I loved it, and it also became a huge part of my life, it also became a way for me to be angry with him. More more as time passed.
After high school, I had allowed my anger to control so much of me, that it was all I thought of when I was around him. With one exception. College Basketball. Even with my anger, we both watched the games in the same way, we studied the game, as a coach would, as a teacher or better yet as a student of the game would. And we could discuss what we saw in great detail and at many times actually agree. Which was rare otherwise. While still in HS I would get all my School work done early in the day on the opening days of the tournament, so I could watch the games and keep up with every one of them as they where played, and when he got home from work, we would review the ones from the day, and watch the evening ones together. Each with our bracket by our side.
During the weekends we would watch all day. Only thing possibly preventing this was a basketball commitment I might have had, then we would do that together. But all in all our relationship hinged on this month. Otherwise there wasn't much else we could get along around.
Now sure as I got older, had my own kids, his grand kids, my anger mellowed. And we could discuss things as adults, but there really never much love, at least on my side of things. I would't allow it. I was to angry to much for things, that looking back on it ,where really trivial. But hey they usually are. But each March we could still talk on the phone a bit, discussing who we thought could win it, or be the surprise of the tourney. He grew up in the Midwest, and was a big ten fan. Teams from Indiana and Illinois area, I developed love for the Big Blue of Kentucky. And we would go back and forth on the programs, the past and future.
Well I was able to do what was needed these past couple years to get rid of that anger, but it was too late. Last March his health was bad, and he didn't even follow the games. I called him once to see if he was watching any games, but he was not. And then few months later he passed away. So this month I will not make that call. Making that call also helped me deal with the sadness of the last day of the month. So this month I ask for prayer, that I may have peace, I know that they both are now together for eternity, and will look down on me with Joy, looking forward to being with me again. But it will be hard for me, I know it. Luckily I can lean on my wife and friends this month, for they will keep me at peace.
Monday, February 23, 2015
#3 big reason why my marriage almost failed, part 3
Well, is has been a while since I wrote parts 1 and 2. So long I had to go a read them again myself. I figured its time I concluded this self lesson. So what is #3
First a reminder of 1 and 2. Pride, and bad priorities/leadership.
Both of these stemmed from the 3rd reason I am about to go into. Its the hardest for me to talk about, and why I am writing about last. Even now as i type, I am trying to find other things to say than the big #3. So lets get to it.
I was insane. Well not really but I thought I was. I had 0 respect/love/positive feelings for people, my self included. Instead I actually had the opposite. I looked as others with complete disrespect, hatred, and any other negative emotion you want to sum up.
That being said, how specifically did it almost kill my marriage? Easy one huh. Well first off I did not respect my self. I actually thought very little of myself. Many people who knew me growing up and even in my 20's always saw a very confident/cocky person, but was all a huge lie I lived. So well that I actually believed some of it, but really deep down, my self worth was nothing. There are a couple reasons on why I felt the way I did.
1. I was sexually molested as a child. Not a lot that I can remember, but I do remember some. Then as a teenager, I was sexually assaulted as well.
2. My whole life growing up, I felt my self worth was based on what I could accomplish. My grades, my skill in sports, or whatever earthly material things I could gain temporary recognition for.
3. Not feeling like failure or messing up was allowed.
Put all 3 of these things together, you have one mentally immature person who thought sex/love was only a physical animal type thing, constantly trying to be perfect at whatever I was doing, and of course constantly failing at it, and then hating myself for it, well because good people do not fail so much.
Due to this I really did not form many real relationships growing up, I can honestly say I had one friend in High School, many acquaintances, but one real friend, and only cause he was so un social, he did not have any either, so we kinda clicked. But then he realized after HS that I treated him so poorly his friendship too faded. Also when I finally did have a girlfriend, I had no clue how to treat her. She was just coming off a huge breakup, and I was just a rebound, and at the time, was so naive, that I just went along with anything. We had sex very quickly, cause I was clueless, and she wanted to get over her breakup. Well that work out great of course. She cheated on me, and I accepted it like it was no big deal. Why cause I wasn't really worth being loved anyway. Anyway it ended after a short while, and I ended up feeling more worthless, and that no one would ever love me.
Now while I am going through all this, I started to develop some very odd feelings and urges. Early in my teens, porn was introduced, but unlike other boys dealing with puberty, and just was wowed by the sex/nudity of it. my mind went very off the wall. My hatred for life in general, lead me to try and make everyone else be as bad as me, so maybe I would not feel so bad about myself. You hear many people say that porn is degrading cause it causes people to look at and treat people as meat/sexual objects instead of respecting them as people. Well I took it farther, they where not just sexual objects, but objects that needed to be beaten down and made into nothing. I say this cause I did not just look at women this way cause of porn, but all people.
After being sexually assaulted at 16, I now looked at everyone as the enemy, as one who needed to be destroyed, so that my worth could be lifted above theirs. Now I new my feelings where wrong, and I credit my strict religious early childhood to this, so I did not act out on the feelings I had. But O man did I have them.
I would imagine things that I thought only serial killers imagined. Ever see that movie American Psycho, and how his mind would drift off on killing someone in some crazy obscene way as they talked to him, well that happened to me all the time. I would imagine raping women and men. Killing them in most gruesome ways. Right as I was sitting across from them eating lunch. I needed to imagine making them feel what I felt. So many inhumane things would cross mind when I was dealing with people, that I tried really hard not to allow anything real to happen with anyone. so no real relationships would be formed. Cause I was so scared one day I would act on those thoughts.
Well enough of that talk, as you probably are now scared to sit across from me.
So I met Jennifer, and we went out, and for the first time in a long time, sitting next to a person/non stranger, especially a woman, did not feel as uncomfortable as a bed of porcupines. I was able to suppress those odd feelings long enough to give her them impression that I loved her, and even do things that a loving person does. So much so she married me. But the suppression of those feelings was temporary. Well I again could not act on those feelings, that strict upbringing was always in the back of my mind, and I knew that acting on them would eternally damn me. So how did I deal with these feelings. Well the Internet was becoming huge. And you know where this was leading. Porn right. Well yea, but again it was different for me then just porn. For me I found ways to actually talk with people, through these porn sites, and though the things we discussed initially where usually just sexual in nature, for me it was a way to lead up to other, darker things. Though these sites I found people willing to discuss things like rape/murder/incest, and any other sick and twisted things you could think off. So not only did I get to discuss and role play these things in my mind with other people, but the very fact that others where out there willing to discuss them, made me feel like hey maybe I was not that bad a person after all. People would share pictures, and themselves in role play from. and I would do the same. The I thought, If others are thinking what I do, them maybe it was actually normal, and everyone else was just scared to admit those things about themselves. In a sense I was enlightened, and others where suppressing themselves. Maybe we where all just animals and should act like them as well.
Well Of course Jennifer found out, but at the time only saw some basic conversations. and confronted me. I won't bore you with the details, but I was able to twist it enough to convince her that I loved her still, and these things where just stupid worthless mistakes. So much so that I made these mistakes over and over for the next few years. Each time saying whatever I could to keep Jennifer from knowing how bad it really was, and keeping her from tossing me to the curb.
Well, she found out one last time, and I finally somehow realized the gravity of my situation. Well Kinda. Realized it enough to stop the Internet stuff, and learn to suppress the thoughts to a certain extent. But it was all just a mirage.
Without that online outlet, I had to find other outlets, and that is where my anger and physical rage came into play. Every time I was challenged in any way, I would react in such angry ways. Lash out to beat down the person, show them how worthless they where, so my lowliness was not so bad. Jennifer and I would have such heated arguments, evil things where said, things where thrown, and even at times, things got physical. And even though she played a part in these fights, looking back at them, I now know, they where all because of my rage and hatred for myself. This also lead to the distruction of other realtionships in my life.
Somehow through all this, Jennifer stayed, though we separated at times, divorce was filed once as well. But each time I was able to swindle my way back in. Until that one day. I looked at her after a fight, and realized, there was no way I was going to talk my way back into this relationship. Also did I even want to anymore?
Well there was one part of my nature that saved me/us. My hatred for failure. I was not gonna have a failed marriage. But how was I gonna prevent it? Well, through out all those deep dark feelings I have talked about, laid one that I never allowed to show. One where I knew God loved me, and that only through him could I succeed. So I prayed, and he responded.
Started counseling, started actually to listen to God, through church, prayer, and others. Realized that even with all the crap I had done, and been through, I was worth something to him. which in turn made me ok with being worth while to others. Only then could I properly deal with those urges/feelings towards others. And realized the one big thing, God needs to be in control, God can handle all things, and make all things new. I was not made to be able to do those things on my own. I was made to rely on him, and when I did what I was made to do, other things felt right, and fall into place more often for good.
So now a couple years later, I can say that those thoughts are no longer an issue. O they still come up from time to time, and I feel they will always be something to deal with. But no longer an issue cause I give them to God when they come up. And they are no problem for him. And here is the kicker, for me at least, having those thoughts, and failures are OK, as long as I give them to God. My worth is not based on not failing, but based on God's grace that has always and will always be there. No longer was my worth based on my earthy accomplishments, but his grace and grace alone.
So now with God's grace and love, I no longer deal with the feelings or urges to act out in the way I did. I hope his grace is also there to allow you to not look at me differently after reading this. but if you do, I pray its not negative in nature, cause I now have only God's love for you and everyone else.
First a reminder of 1 and 2. Pride, and bad priorities/leadership.
Both of these stemmed from the 3rd reason I am about to go into. Its the hardest for me to talk about, and why I am writing about last. Even now as i type, I am trying to find other things to say than the big #3. So lets get to it.
I was insane. Well not really but I thought I was. I had 0 respect/love/positive feelings for people, my self included. Instead I actually had the opposite. I looked as others with complete disrespect, hatred, and any other negative emotion you want to sum up.
That being said, how specifically did it almost kill my marriage? Easy one huh. Well first off I did not respect my self. I actually thought very little of myself. Many people who knew me growing up and even in my 20's always saw a very confident/cocky person, but was all a huge lie I lived. So well that I actually believed some of it, but really deep down, my self worth was nothing. There are a couple reasons on why I felt the way I did.
1. I was sexually molested as a child. Not a lot that I can remember, but I do remember some. Then as a teenager, I was sexually assaulted as well.
2. My whole life growing up, I felt my self worth was based on what I could accomplish. My grades, my skill in sports, or whatever earthly material things I could gain temporary recognition for.
3. Not feeling like failure or messing up was allowed.
Put all 3 of these things together, you have one mentally immature person who thought sex/love was only a physical animal type thing, constantly trying to be perfect at whatever I was doing, and of course constantly failing at it, and then hating myself for it, well because good people do not fail so much.
Due to this I really did not form many real relationships growing up, I can honestly say I had one friend in High School, many acquaintances, but one real friend, and only cause he was so un social, he did not have any either, so we kinda clicked. But then he realized after HS that I treated him so poorly his friendship too faded. Also when I finally did have a girlfriend, I had no clue how to treat her. She was just coming off a huge breakup, and I was just a rebound, and at the time, was so naive, that I just went along with anything. We had sex very quickly, cause I was clueless, and she wanted to get over her breakup. Well that work out great of course. She cheated on me, and I accepted it like it was no big deal. Why cause I wasn't really worth being loved anyway. Anyway it ended after a short while, and I ended up feeling more worthless, and that no one would ever love me.
Now while I am going through all this, I started to develop some very odd feelings and urges. Early in my teens, porn was introduced, but unlike other boys dealing with puberty, and just was wowed by the sex/nudity of it. my mind went very off the wall. My hatred for life in general, lead me to try and make everyone else be as bad as me, so maybe I would not feel so bad about myself. You hear many people say that porn is degrading cause it causes people to look at and treat people as meat/sexual objects instead of respecting them as people. Well I took it farther, they where not just sexual objects, but objects that needed to be beaten down and made into nothing. I say this cause I did not just look at women this way cause of porn, but all people.
After being sexually assaulted at 16, I now looked at everyone as the enemy, as one who needed to be destroyed, so that my worth could be lifted above theirs. Now I new my feelings where wrong, and I credit my strict religious early childhood to this, so I did not act out on the feelings I had. But O man did I have them.
I would imagine things that I thought only serial killers imagined. Ever see that movie American Psycho, and how his mind would drift off on killing someone in some crazy obscene way as they talked to him, well that happened to me all the time. I would imagine raping women and men. Killing them in most gruesome ways. Right as I was sitting across from them eating lunch. I needed to imagine making them feel what I felt. So many inhumane things would cross mind when I was dealing with people, that I tried really hard not to allow anything real to happen with anyone. so no real relationships would be formed. Cause I was so scared one day I would act on those thoughts.
Well enough of that talk, as you probably are now scared to sit across from me.
So I met Jennifer, and we went out, and for the first time in a long time, sitting next to a person/non stranger, especially a woman, did not feel as uncomfortable as a bed of porcupines. I was able to suppress those odd feelings long enough to give her them impression that I loved her, and even do things that a loving person does. So much so she married me. But the suppression of those feelings was temporary. Well I again could not act on those feelings, that strict upbringing was always in the back of my mind, and I knew that acting on them would eternally damn me. So how did I deal with these feelings. Well the Internet was becoming huge. And you know where this was leading. Porn right. Well yea, but again it was different for me then just porn. For me I found ways to actually talk with people, through these porn sites, and though the things we discussed initially where usually just sexual in nature, for me it was a way to lead up to other, darker things. Though these sites I found people willing to discuss things like rape/murder/incest, and any other sick and twisted things you could think off. So not only did I get to discuss and role play these things in my mind with other people, but the very fact that others where out there willing to discuss them, made me feel like hey maybe I was not that bad a person after all. People would share pictures, and themselves in role play from. and I would do the same. The I thought, If others are thinking what I do, them maybe it was actually normal, and everyone else was just scared to admit those things about themselves. In a sense I was enlightened, and others where suppressing themselves. Maybe we where all just animals and should act like them as well.
Well Of course Jennifer found out, but at the time only saw some basic conversations. and confronted me. I won't bore you with the details, but I was able to twist it enough to convince her that I loved her still, and these things where just stupid worthless mistakes. So much so that I made these mistakes over and over for the next few years. Each time saying whatever I could to keep Jennifer from knowing how bad it really was, and keeping her from tossing me to the curb.
Well, she found out one last time, and I finally somehow realized the gravity of my situation. Well Kinda. Realized it enough to stop the Internet stuff, and learn to suppress the thoughts to a certain extent. But it was all just a mirage.
Without that online outlet, I had to find other outlets, and that is where my anger and physical rage came into play. Every time I was challenged in any way, I would react in such angry ways. Lash out to beat down the person, show them how worthless they where, so my lowliness was not so bad. Jennifer and I would have such heated arguments, evil things where said, things where thrown, and even at times, things got physical. And even though she played a part in these fights, looking back at them, I now know, they where all because of my rage and hatred for myself. This also lead to the distruction of other realtionships in my life.
Somehow through all this, Jennifer stayed, though we separated at times, divorce was filed once as well. But each time I was able to swindle my way back in. Until that one day. I looked at her after a fight, and realized, there was no way I was going to talk my way back into this relationship. Also did I even want to anymore?
Well there was one part of my nature that saved me/us. My hatred for failure. I was not gonna have a failed marriage. But how was I gonna prevent it? Well, through out all those deep dark feelings I have talked about, laid one that I never allowed to show. One where I knew God loved me, and that only through him could I succeed. So I prayed, and he responded.
Started counseling, started actually to listen to God, through church, prayer, and others. Realized that even with all the crap I had done, and been through, I was worth something to him. which in turn made me ok with being worth while to others. Only then could I properly deal with those urges/feelings towards others. And realized the one big thing, God needs to be in control, God can handle all things, and make all things new. I was not made to be able to do those things on my own. I was made to rely on him, and when I did what I was made to do, other things felt right, and fall into place more often for good.
So now a couple years later, I can say that those thoughts are no longer an issue. O they still come up from time to time, and I feel they will always be something to deal with. But no longer an issue cause I give them to God when they come up. And they are no problem for him. And here is the kicker, for me at least, having those thoughts, and failures are OK, as long as I give them to God. My worth is not based on not failing, but based on God's grace that has always and will always be there. No longer was my worth based on my earthy accomplishments, but his grace and grace alone.
So now with God's grace and love, I no longer deal with the feelings or urges to act out in the way I did. I hope his grace is also there to allow you to not look at me differently after reading this. but if you do, I pray its not negative in nature, cause I now have only God's love for you and everyone else.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Getting my priorities in order.
I have been thinking a lot recently about my priorities in life. And in my thoughts I realized a few things. Though I say certain things are a priority, if you look at my life I wonder are they really?
Let me start by making a list, its pretty simple and pretty common.
My God and faith
My wife
My kids
The family I enjoy
My friends
Myself, meaning those interests that I have but might not include the ones listed above.
My Job
My health
My family I don't enjoy, " Cmon we all do it"
That will do for now. So sounds like a pretty typical list right.
So as I think about priorities, I start thinking what it really means to make something a priority. And here is my simplest explanation of what I think a priority is.
Something/someone you choose to spend time in/with over other possible choices. Meaning if something really is a priority, then I choose it over something that is not when the time comes to make the choice. You see its a choice, and not one something life or others make for you. Its a personal choice.
Well darn it, if I think that way, my priorities are way messed up. Why you ask. Well since I am being honest, I have to say that very rarely choose to spend time with my God and in my faith over so many things that even are not on the list. I mean how often do I spend time time playing a card game on the Internet, or a stupid game on my phone. Watching TV. Or what about social media, how much time do I spend wasting away reading a lot of pointless info, instead of reading the Bible, or talking with my God. How often to I choose ones of those over my wife or kids/
How often do I choose something down lower on this list over one another on the top?
Now before I go any farther, I am not laying a guilt trip on you, and I am not saying that if I or anyone does not choose the #1 on the list every time over one down lower that your failing at keeping priorities, but I am asking myself how often do I make that specific choice. Cause the amount of times I make the choice will determine what I am truly making as a priority. So looking at it that way, I would have to admit that social media, pointless games, and TV at this point in my life take priority over spending time with God, specifically in his word, cause I easily choose those and a daily basis way more often then the Bible, or over prayer.
So now I am depressed, thanks self.
Also now I have to look at how my choices are effecting the priorities that I have on my list. Do my choices reflect that God is a priority, that my Wife is one, that my are kids are one? If not then how does that affect them. Not only do I want them to be one, but I want them to feel like one as well. That means when the opportunities arise I have to ensure I choose them over others lower or not even on the list.
So now to start working on those choices. Instead of that game I play every evening, read a chapter of the Bible, once or twice a night. Instead of watching 5-6 TV shows each week, watch only 3-4 and replace it with a game with my kids. Just like so many other things in life, its a true choice, and if we do not choose the ones on the top of the list, then maybe the list is not a true reflection of reality.
Let me start by making a list, its pretty simple and pretty common.
My God and faith
My wife
My kids
The family I enjoy
My friends
Myself, meaning those interests that I have but might not include the ones listed above.
My Job
My health
My family I don't enjoy, " Cmon we all do it"
That will do for now. So sounds like a pretty typical list right.
So as I think about priorities, I start thinking what it really means to make something a priority. And here is my simplest explanation of what I think a priority is.
Something/someone you choose to spend time in/with over other possible choices. Meaning if something really is a priority, then I choose it over something that is not when the time comes to make the choice. You see its a choice, and not one something life or others make for you. Its a personal choice.
Well darn it, if I think that way, my priorities are way messed up. Why you ask. Well since I am being honest, I have to say that very rarely choose to spend time with my God and in my faith over so many things that even are not on the list. I mean how often do I spend time time playing a card game on the Internet, or a stupid game on my phone. Watching TV. Or what about social media, how much time do I spend wasting away reading a lot of pointless info, instead of reading the Bible, or talking with my God. How often to I choose ones of those over my wife or kids/
How often do I choose something down lower on this list over one another on the top?
Now before I go any farther, I am not laying a guilt trip on you, and I am not saying that if I or anyone does not choose the #1 on the list every time over one down lower that your failing at keeping priorities, but I am asking myself how often do I make that specific choice. Cause the amount of times I make the choice will determine what I am truly making as a priority. So looking at it that way, I would have to admit that social media, pointless games, and TV at this point in my life take priority over spending time with God, specifically in his word, cause I easily choose those and a daily basis way more often then the Bible, or over prayer.
So now I am depressed, thanks self.
Also now I have to look at how my choices are effecting the priorities that I have on my list. Do my choices reflect that God is a priority, that my Wife is one, that my are kids are one? If not then how does that affect them. Not only do I want them to be one, but I want them to feel like one as well. That means when the opportunities arise I have to ensure I choose them over others lower or not even on the list.
So now to start working on those choices. Instead of that game I play every evening, read a chapter of the Bible, once or twice a night. Instead of watching 5-6 TV shows each week, watch only 3-4 and replace it with a game with my kids. Just like so many other things in life, its a true choice, and if we do not choose the ones on the top of the list, then maybe the list is not a true reflection of reality.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Proud Father for sure.
OK I am just gonna say this very quickly.
You know how one thing you child does, just makes anything bad/negative in your life seem insignificant.
Well this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKsywtiORT0&feature=youtu.be
You know how one thing you child does, just makes anything bad/negative in your life seem insignificant.
Well this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKsywtiORT0&feature=youtu.be
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Our lifes where made to serve.
Both the sermon in Church and lesson in Life group toady was about using your life to serve.
This topic has been on my mind a lot recently. I am still trying to figure out what God's big picture for me is, but I now realize that service is a big part of it.
So the past couple years I have been trying to find out where I can best be one who serves others in a why Christ intended. And though I am still trying to find my niche, I have come to realize a couple things that is always stated by people when they say serving is such a great thing, yet many do not understand why.
1. It is truly what God called each and every one of us to do. to serve him and others. Jesus did it his whole life. Even his death was a service to us.
2. Once you do it with the right attitude, it brings some of the greatest joy you can ever have.
3. I have been trying to find ways to serve others, using the skills and talents God gave me. While doing this, I have realized that I enjoy it more. God gives us all talents, ones that we enjoy using, and when we use them for the good of others, joy abounds.
I have a example I want to share, which is gonna lead to a challenge to anyone reading this. The last couple years, Jennifer and I have hosted a Crawfish Boil/BBQ around my Bday, it was my idea and I chose to do it around my Bday just as an excuse to have a gathering. I once used to think that adults throwing party's to celebrate their own Bday was kinda lame. Thus at first I worried about others thinking the same of me in this situation. Whether they do or not I do not care anymore, but I want to share my true intentions, not to boast, but again as a personal example of what this post is about.
I truly enjoy cooking for people. I truly enjoy seeing my friends and family gather together and food is a great thing to enjoy with others, and enjoy seeing everyone enjoying each others company. I enjoy serving others in this fashion. So a couple years ago, when I first started thinking about why I was here on this earth, why God gave me life, I started to realize it was to be of service. So I found ways to serve that I enjoyed. And I now use by Bday as a opportunity to serve others in a way that brings joy to others as well as myself, cause that is why I was born. Its not about my Bady, its about why I was given life, and that reason ends up being about everyone else.
So my challenge to all of you is this. If you do not know what your way of service is yet, which many of us do not, then look at what you enjoy doing, and how can it be used to serve others. Then plan on executing that service on your Bday. make your Bday about God and others. Not about you. Cause in the end, you are here for God and others, Not here for you.
This topic has been on my mind a lot recently. I am still trying to figure out what God's big picture for me is, but I now realize that service is a big part of it.
So the past couple years I have been trying to find out where I can best be one who serves others in a why Christ intended. And though I am still trying to find my niche, I have come to realize a couple things that is always stated by people when they say serving is such a great thing, yet many do not understand why.
1. It is truly what God called each and every one of us to do. to serve him and others. Jesus did it his whole life. Even his death was a service to us.
2. Once you do it with the right attitude, it brings some of the greatest joy you can ever have.
3. I have been trying to find ways to serve others, using the skills and talents God gave me. While doing this, I have realized that I enjoy it more. God gives us all talents, ones that we enjoy using, and when we use them for the good of others, joy abounds.
I have a example I want to share, which is gonna lead to a challenge to anyone reading this. The last couple years, Jennifer and I have hosted a Crawfish Boil/BBQ around my Bday, it was my idea and I chose to do it around my Bday just as an excuse to have a gathering. I once used to think that adults throwing party's to celebrate their own Bday was kinda lame. Thus at first I worried about others thinking the same of me in this situation. Whether they do or not I do not care anymore, but I want to share my true intentions, not to boast, but again as a personal example of what this post is about.
I truly enjoy cooking for people. I truly enjoy seeing my friends and family gather together and food is a great thing to enjoy with others, and enjoy seeing everyone enjoying each others company. I enjoy serving others in this fashion. So a couple years ago, when I first started thinking about why I was here on this earth, why God gave me life, I started to realize it was to be of service. So I found ways to serve that I enjoyed. And I now use by Bday as a opportunity to serve others in a way that brings joy to others as well as myself, cause that is why I was born. Its not about my Bady, its about why I was given life, and that reason ends up being about everyone else.
So my challenge to all of you is this. If you do not know what your way of service is yet, which many of us do not, then look at what you enjoy doing, and how can it be used to serve others. Then plan on executing that service on your Bday. make your Bday about God and others. Not about you. Cause in the end, you are here for God and others, Not here for you.
Friday, January 9, 2015
3 big reasons why my marriage almost failed part 2
Wrong priorities/poor leadership.
These things could be separate and in many cases are, but for me they kinda go together.
The Bible says that the Man is the head of the household, and should love his wife as Christ loves the church. This is stated right after the saying a wife is to submit to her husband, but many times forgotten by men when this topic is brought up. God intends the man to be the leader of the household, just as Christ leads the church, spiritually and physically. And as a leader of the house hold he is to set family priorities and family doings as God leads him to. I have recently just begun to understand this, and have started the process to do this as intended.
Initially, I ignored my role as a spiritual leader. I had a lot of anger towards God, and due to that, lived a life as far away from him as possible. In doing this I failed to deal with the pain I encountered early on in life, that lead to a lot of anger towards people in general, and prevented me from being able to be a loving individual. Instead I dealt with my pain and anger in other ways, ways that will be part of part 3. But these ways caused me to be the opposite of a leader, but instead a person that just reacted to things, and reacted badly in most cases. Think about many qualities you see in a good leader.
a. sets good examples
b. plans ahead
c. takes time to stay informed/knowledgeable.
d. thinks big picture
e. is unselfish
etc etc
I failed to do many of these. Instead I focused on my pain and anger, my problems. And in doing this I choose priorities in life that met those needs, instead of the needs of my wife and marriage. My priorities where to meet my own needs, financially, physically, and others. I even fooled myself many times that those needs where "our" needs, or by focusing on my needs, kept me in shape to meet my needs as a husband. I had it completely backwards. I had priorities lined up like this, my needs, my child's needs, then others including my wife. Many people especially parents make these mistakes. putting their kids needs above their spouse, but that should not be the case. Even the Bible says so.
Remember the movie "A few Good Men". In it the marines had a code. Unit, core, God, country. Its a good code with one big exception. Think of Unit as spouse, core as other family, but God needs to be first. So our code should be God, Unit/Spouse, Core/Kids, Country/Extended family and friends. Gods will is for us to be a proper spouse/sibling/person, so by putting his will first, you meet the needs of everyone else in the process.
I thought by working my ass off, to make more money, I was loving my wife and children by being a provider. I thought by overextending myself to others outside my wife and kids, set a good example of what a loving person should be.I thought by doing certain sinful things that alleviated my personal pain, helped me love my wife and kids better cause I did not burden them with the pain. I thought a lot of things, except what God wanted of me.
And for 15 years, my marriage became more and more of a struggle every day. My fake ways of loving my family started coming through for what they really where. To the point where my daughter was starting to fear me instead of respect me, my wife no longer could bear being near me, and I hated myself even more than ever.
So I remembered some teachings from my childhood, things I had heard in church, and from my mom and dad at times. Though I had been hurt by the church, and for so long that was all that I focused on, I for once took the time to try and think about the positive things I did feel as kid, when learning about Christ, and his love for us. And out of desperation, cause I hate to fail, and a failed marriage was not gonna be accepted. I broke down and prayed, and asked God to take my pain away, take my anger away, and if possible help me understand what it means to love and be loved.
Here's the awesome part, God had already done all that I had asked from him, I just failed to see it and accept it. He has done that for all of us. All we have to do is accept his love. The once we are able to accept it, it flows through us, and to others. So I did, I also realized I was forgiven for all I had done, and that as long as I accept that forgiveness, I could then forgive myself. Cause in the end, that is what we all need to do.
So now I am learning what it is to love, and be loved. Learning what it is to be a real leader of the house, and though I am still struggling with many aspects of it, I understand I am forgiven for those struggles, and as long as I keep my eyes on God, and leaning on him for guidance, the rest of it will fall into place, cause that is his plan for all of us.
These things could be separate and in many cases are, but for me they kinda go together.
The Bible says that the Man is the head of the household, and should love his wife as Christ loves the church. This is stated right after the saying a wife is to submit to her husband, but many times forgotten by men when this topic is brought up. God intends the man to be the leader of the household, just as Christ leads the church, spiritually and physically. And as a leader of the house hold he is to set family priorities and family doings as God leads him to. I have recently just begun to understand this, and have started the process to do this as intended.
Initially, I ignored my role as a spiritual leader. I had a lot of anger towards God, and due to that, lived a life as far away from him as possible. In doing this I failed to deal with the pain I encountered early on in life, that lead to a lot of anger towards people in general, and prevented me from being able to be a loving individual. Instead I dealt with my pain and anger in other ways, ways that will be part of part 3. But these ways caused me to be the opposite of a leader, but instead a person that just reacted to things, and reacted badly in most cases. Think about many qualities you see in a good leader.
a. sets good examples
b. plans ahead
c. takes time to stay informed/knowledgeable.
d. thinks big picture
e. is unselfish
etc etc
I failed to do many of these. Instead I focused on my pain and anger, my problems. And in doing this I choose priorities in life that met those needs, instead of the needs of my wife and marriage. My priorities where to meet my own needs, financially, physically, and others. I even fooled myself many times that those needs where "our" needs, or by focusing on my needs, kept me in shape to meet my needs as a husband. I had it completely backwards. I had priorities lined up like this, my needs, my child's needs, then others including my wife. Many people especially parents make these mistakes. putting their kids needs above their spouse, but that should not be the case. Even the Bible says so.
Remember the movie "A few Good Men". In it the marines had a code. Unit, core, God, country. Its a good code with one big exception. Think of Unit as spouse, core as other family, but God needs to be first. So our code should be God, Unit/Spouse, Core/Kids, Country/Extended family and friends. Gods will is for us to be a proper spouse/sibling/person, so by putting his will first, you meet the needs of everyone else in the process.
I thought by working my ass off, to make more money, I was loving my wife and children by being a provider. I thought by overextending myself to others outside my wife and kids, set a good example of what a loving person should be.I thought by doing certain sinful things that alleviated my personal pain, helped me love my wife and kids better cause I did not burden them with the pain. I thought a lot of things, except what God wanted of me.
And for 15 years, my marriage became more and more of a struggle every day. My fake ways of loving my family started coming through for what they really where. To the point where my daughter was starting to fear me instead of respect me, my wife no longer could bear being near me, and I hated myself even more than ever.
So I remembered some teachings from my childhood, things I had heard in church, and from my mom and dad at times. Though I had been hurt by the church, and for so long that was all that I focused on, I for once took the time to try and think about the positive things I did feel as kid, when learning about Christ, and his love for us. And out of desperation, cause I hate to fail, and a failed marriage was not gonna be accepted. I broke down and prayed, and asked God to take my pain away, take my anger away, and if possible help me understand what it means to love and be loved.
Here's the awesome part, God had already done all that I had asked from him, I just failed to see it and accept it. He has done that for all of us. All we have to do is accept his love. The once we are able to accept it, it flows through us, and to others. So I did, I also realized I was forgiven for all I had done, and that as long as I accept that forgiveness, I could then forgive myself. Cause in the end, that is what we all need to do.
So now I am learning what it is to love, and be loved. Learning what it is to be a real leader of the house, and though I am still struggling with many aspects of it, I understand I am forgiven for those struggles, and as long as I keep my eyes on God, and leaning on him for guidance, the rest of it will fall into place, cause that is his plan for all of us.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
3 big reasons why my marriage almost failed. Part 1
Jennifer and I have been married almost 18 years now, we have been together over 20. It would be an understatement to say we have had a difficult marriage, especially years 3-15. That is a long period of time to be in a relationship that was for the most part an unhappy one, but we did. A couple years ago, both Jennifer and I realized that no matter what we tried, without putting God in control of our lives and our marriage, it would not work out, and we made the choice to do just that and it saved not only our marriage, but our lives as well. So that would be the #1 reason why we did not have a happy marriage for all those years, and the main reason why we now are working on one.
That being said I have identified many other smaller things I personally did that lead to the troubles of our marriage, and thought I would share a few of the biggest, and how I overcame them.
1. PRIDE
a. I have a problem, of needing to be right. And I see this problem in many people, and they do not even realize it. One of my favorite sports radio personalities is Colin Cowherd. And he has a thing he says about fans over crazy about their team. They have the need to BE RIGHT over getting it right. I suffered the same thing many times in my marriage.
You see we all have many ideas, opinions and thoughts on how things should be, what is the right way and wrong way. And that's OK. And we all use those to determine how we act, or what are are going to do or say in a given situation. That's good as well. But here is the problem, so often we are so hung up on our own idea/thoughts, we automatically ignore other ones, or we label those as wrong. And even if our idea/thought could be right in a given situation, we do not look closely enough at the situation at hand to ensure it is the right one or not to fit our ideas. Often we end up trying to force our idea as the right one, or trying to justify it, whether it was right or not. Many times it is situations that are not even that important to be right, but my need to be right took control and became more important than the situation itself.
I'll share a couple personal instances.
I usually drive when we go places, and for the most part I am better at remembering/knowing a route then Jennifer. She lives by her GPS system. Well if Jennifer would ever suggest anything that contradicted by choices while driving, either my route, speed ETC, instead of actually taking just a moment to think about her suggestion, my need to BE RIGHT caused me to make a snap reply defending my choice or arguing against her suggestion. It often came off as very rude and dismissive as well, and often lead to an argument. She once pointed out that I was traveling 70 in a 55, and without even thinking I snapped, "the last sign I saw was 65", so I'm OK. Not even wondering if maybe I missed a sign or how long was the last sign I saw, Yet when the situation was switched, and I made a suggestion to her, if she did not want to at least hear it, I got upset as well.
Jennifer and I have had some different ideas on how to punish the boys. And in the past, I would feel so strongly about my ideas, that even though I would stand there when she gave her suggestions, my need to be right took over, and I didn't actually listen to hers, or I listened only to find ways to find holes in her suggestions, to prove them wrong. This of course lead to me arguing against her ideas, without even taking time to think about them. And then again reinforcing mine as the right way..
This "Need to be right" came from pride. You see I have always been a person that people close to me has looked up to, or admired. I am saying this not be vain, but to give you a little understanding. I have 6 siblings, and many of them have come to me at some point in their lives with major needs, a place to live, money or a job, and advice for many various circumstances. And early on in my life I was able to help them, give them what they asked for. This lead to me being "the one who was stable, could be relied on". If others came to me to be able to do the right thing, then what I thought must be right more than others. And if my suggestions helped them, then of course the need for my suggestions where there, more then they even knew. Or at least that is what I began to think.
b. I had no idea how to love, but I thought I could make up for that with doing what was "the right thing to do". Do to various reasons, ones for another post, I grew up having a very warped idea of what love was. Now I actually knew this from the get go. I knew that what I thought about love was not what love really was, but instead of admitting it to myself, and learning what love was, I instead trained my self to "act" loving. And I did a hell of a job with the act. I was good and seeing what people needed, and if I wanted that person to think positively of me, I would meet that need. When it came to dating or interacting with my brothers and sisters, I did the same thing. And it worked quickly. Now you might ask, what's wrong with meeting a persons needs? Well nothing, if its done out of love, but mine was done out of manipulation. Now I have to admit, I was not doing this with bad intentions, not trying to be a manipulative person, but I was doing it to replace what I could not do. I could not love, so instead I gave what came off as love, but in the long run was seen as the act it really was. Then when my act was exposed, my pride would not allow myself to try and correct it, but instead fight the person who was exposing me. This of course lead to a lot of fights and arguments, and with point a, my need to be right, the fights very often never got resolved, unless the other person gave up. This of course is the exact opposite thing you need to happen for a successful marriage. But that is what I did for many years.
c. I was very ashamed of who I really was, what I really thought, and what I thought I wanted. This also helped lead to point b. My shame in what I really thought of myself, lead to me creating the act, portraying a person, one that I thought I was supposed to be. For so long I hid my true feelings from Jennifer, cause I was scared of what she would think, and my pride would not allow me to actually truly open up to her. Instead I made up some things, or created half truths about my life, thoughts or feelings. Ones that gave her what I thought she needed, or things that would lead to me getting what I wanted from her, but still hiding reality. Hiding the things I was not proud about. Not being fully honest with her, of course lead to a lot of mistrust. lead to a lot of hurt feelings, and a lot of resentment.
So how did I beat pride? Well I have not yet. But I have weakened its hold on me. So how have I done that?
First off, of course was what I started this post off with. I gave my life to Christ. But lets be more specific.
I have had to learn to put more thought into things, and instead of worrying about being right in a given situation, try and realize what is really important in that situation. Actually taking time to think about things as opposed to reacting was very important for me. You see my natural reaction was always the ones to defend myself, prove myself, which lead to proving others wrong. No matter what was really right or wrong, as long as mine was accepted as right. But now I am trying to not to react, trying to act out of thought and reason more often. Focusing on the situation at hand, and what the actual end goal should be, not worry so much by who's ideas we reach that end goal.
I have learned to love. How, well again 1st off was excepting Christ's love. And then once I have that, letting it flow through me. Sounds easy right? Well it should be. But my pride made it hard at first. To start I had to come clean of all my lies or so called half truths. I had to swallow my pride and let Jennifer and others know the real me. Once I did that I was able to realize that God's forgiveness and grace was there for the taking. All those things that I had to be ashamed about, no longer seemed to matter. The saying the truth will set you free is real people. Even if that truth sounds like the worst thing in the world. Cause guess what. Whatever you have done is not the worst thing in the world. That designation is held for someone else's actions. And if the people you are truthful with are meant to be a part of your life, then they will love you still even knowing it.
I have learned that I have been forgiven. You see for so long I was ashamed of who I was, and that shame lead me to hide the real me. I thought that if people knew the real me, they could not love me. But once I realized the truth, the fact that my sins, my shame, my hurt was already dealt with, all I had to do was give it away. For everything I was ashamed about, or hurting over, God knew of, and yet he still put me here something much greater. But I had to allow him to take that shame, take that hurt away. Accept his forgiveness, before I could experience what that greater something was. That is the beginning of God's will, then end, well I am excited to see it.
In all I have realized one BIG thing. I was put on this earth to show others Christ love, I am still learning how to that best, but the first part was accepting it, and that lead to all other things getting better, including my marriage.
Part 2 coing soon.
That being said I have identified many other smaller things I personally did that lead to the troubles of our marriage, and thought I would share a few of the biggest, and how I overcame them.
1. PRIDE
a. I have a problem, of needing to be right. And I see this problem in many people, and they do not even realize it. One of my favorite sports radio personalities is Colin Cowherd. And he has a thing he says about fans over crazy about their team. They have the need to BE RIGHT over getting it right. I suffered the same thing many times in my marriage.
You see we all have many ideas, opinions and thoughts on how things should be, what is the right way and wrong way. And that's OK. And we all use those to determine how we act, or what are are going to do or say in a given situation. That's good as well. But here is the problem, so often we are so hung up on our own idea/thoughts, we automatically ignore other ones, or we label those as wrong. And even if our idea/thought could be right in a given situation, we do not look closely enough at the situation at hand to ensure it is the right one or not to fit our ideas. Often we end up trying to force our idea as the right one, or trying to justify it, whether it was right or not. Many times it is situations that are not even that important to be right, but my need to be right took control and became more important than the situation itself.
I'll share a couple personal instances.
I usually drive when we go places, and for the most part I am better at remembering/knowing a route then Jennifer. She lives by her GPS system. Well if Jennifer would ever suggest anything that contradicted by choices while driving, either my route, speed ETC, instead of actually taking just a moment to think about her suggestion, my need to BE RIGHT caused me to make a snap reply defending my choice or arguing against her suggestion. It often came off as very rude and dismissive as well, and often lead to an argument. She once pointed out that I was traveling 70 in a 55, and without even thinking I snapped, "the last sign I saw was 65", so I'm OK. Not even wondering if maybe I missed a sign or how long was the last sign I saw, Yet when the situation was switched, and I made a suggestion to her, if she did not want to at least hear it, I got upset as well.
Jennifer and I have had some different ideas on how to punish the boys. And in the past, I would feel so strongly about my ideas, that even though I would stand there when she gave her suggestions, my need to be right took over, and I didn't actually listen to hers, or I listened only to find ways to find holes in her suggestions, to prove them wrong. This of course lead to me arguing against her ideas, without even taking time to think about them. And then again reinforcing mine as the right way..
This "Need to be right" came from pride. You see I have always been a person that people close to me has looked up to, or admired. I am saying this not be vain, but to give you a little understanding. I have 6 siblings, and many of them have come to me at some point in their lives with major needs, a place to live, money or a job, and advice for many various circumstances. And early on in my life I was able to help them, give them what they asked for. This lead to me being "the one who was stable, could be relied on". If others came to me to be able to do the right thing, then what I thought must be right more than others. And if my suggestions helped them, then of course the need for my suggestions where there, more then they even knew. Or at least that is what I began to think.
b. I had no idea how to love, but I thought I could make up for that with doing what was "the right thing to do". Do to various reasons, ones for another post, I grew up having a very warped idea of what love was. Now I actually knew this from the get go. I knew that what I thought about love was not what love really was, but instead of admitting it to myself, and learning what love was, I instead trained my self to "act" loving. And I did a hell of a job with the act. I was good and seeing what people needed, and if I wanted that person to think positively of me, I would meet that need. When it came to dating or interacting with my brothers and sisters, I did the same thing. And it worked quickly. Now you might ask, what's wrong with meeting a persons needs? Well nothing, if its done out of love, but mine was done out of manipulation. Now I have to admit, I was not doing this with bad intentions, not trying to be a manipulative person, but I was doing it to replace what I could not do. I could not love, so instead I gave what came off as love, but in the long run was seen as the act it really was. Then when my act was exposed, my pride would not allow myself to try and correct it, but instead fight the person who was exposing me. This of course lead to a lot of fights and arguments, and with point a, my need to be right, the fights very often never got resolved, unless the other person gave up. This of course is the exact opposite thing you need to happen for a successful marriage. But that is what I did for many years.
c. I was very ashamed of who I really was, what I really thought, and what I thought I wanted. This also helped lead to point b. My shame in what I really thought of myself, lead to me creating the act, portraying a person, one that I thought I was supposed to be. For so long I hid my true feelings from Jennifer, cause I was scared of what she would think, and my pride would not allow me to actually truly open up to her. Instead I made up some things, or created half truths about my life, thoughts or feelings. Ones that gave her what I thought she needed, or things that would lead to me getting what I wanted from her, but still hiding reality. Hiding the things I was not proud about. Not being fully honest with her, of course lead to a lot of mistrust. lead to a lot of hurt feelings, and a lot of resentment.
So how did I beat pride? Well I have not yet. But I have weakened its hold on me. So how have I done that?
First off, of course was what I started this post off with. I gave my life to Christ. But lets be more specific.
I have had to learn to put more thought into things, and instead of worrying about being right in a given situation, try and realize what is really important in that situation. Actually taking time to think about things as opposed to reacting was very important for me. You see my natural reaction was always the ones to defend myself, prove myself, which lead to proving others wrong. No matter what was really right or wrong, as long as mine was accepted as right. But now I am trying to not to react, trying to act out of thought and reason more often. Focusing on the situation at hand, and what the actual end goal should be, not worry so much by who's ideas we reach that end goal.
I have learned to love. How, well again 1st off was excepting Christ's love. And then once I have that, letting it flow through me. Sounds easy right? Well it should be. But my pride made it hard at first. To start I had to come clean of all my lies or so called half truths. I had to swallow my pride and let Jennifer and others know the real me. Once I did that I was able to realize that God's forgiveness and grace was there for the taking. All those things that I had to be ashamed about, no longer seemed to matter. The saying the truth will set you free is real people. Even if that truth sounds like the worst thing in the world. Cause guess what. Whatever you have done is not the worst thing in the world. That designation is held for someone else's actions. And if the people you are truthful with are meant to be a part of your life, then they will love you still even knowing it.
I have learned that I have been forgiven. You see for so long I was ashamed of who I was, and that shame lead me to hide the real me. I thought that if people knew the real me, they could not love me. But once I realized the truth, the fact that my sins, my shame, my hurt was already dealt with, all I had to do was give it away. For everything I was ashamed about, or hurting over, God knew of, and yet he still put me here something much greater. But I had to allow him to take that shame, take that hurt away. Accept his forgiveness, before I could experience what that greater something was. That is the beginning of God's will, then end, well I am excited to see it.
In all I have realized one BIG thing. I was put on this earth to show others Christ love, I am still learning how to that best, but the first part was accepting it, and that lead to all other things getting better, including my marriage.
Part 2 coing soon.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Sarver Family year in review 2014
A lot happened for my family this past year, so I figured I would write about it like so many others do.
January,
Was bit of a boring month from what I can remember. I had quit facebook for a few months in 2013, looking back I see I rejoined it right after the new year, so there is that. Dallas had a bad ice storm, and we lost power for over 3 days. Stayed with the Scherm's for 2 nights, so glad they are back in my life. Got to buy a chain saw due to multiple branches that fell. O wait was this Dec 2013? not sure now. It was.
February.
My little Brother In Law got married, welcomed Amelia into the family, though she already had been accepted. I have been so thankful for the Kirsch family and what they have done for me over the past 20 years, anytime it grows, it is a blessing. Jennifer and I had our first Valentines night alone since kids came around. It was awesome, had a nice room on the lake, and just enjoyed each others company. This month also marked 20 years Jennifer and I have been together.
March
Was a busy month. Work wise had couple in store events, got to hang with Kevin Fowler, and the Eli Young Band. Had what has turned into my annual B-day craw fish boil bash. My baby girl turned 14, which meant high school was right around the corner. This month was also the fist time Desiree experienced real failure if athletics. She did not make 9th grade cheer. She was so bummed for a couple weeks. But I think she learned a lot from it, and in the end that is one of the main things sports are for. Teaching life lessons like dealing with losing. For my B-Day I wanted to go bungee jumping and found a good place in Dallas, but you had to be under 240 lbs. I was 251 on 3/13 so had 8 days to lose 11+ pounds if I wanted to do it. Found a lose 10 lbs is 7 days diet that involved fruit, veggies water and milk only for a week. Did it and lost 12 lbs, weighed 139 on B-day morning. Worried that with clothes I exceeded the limit and they would not let me so did not go, but hey lost the weight.
April
Married 17 years, this month. WOW. Joshua also turned 5, kindergarten right around the corner. UK basketball makes the championship game. I have very fun time watching NCAA tourney. We got Chris into a special needs baseball league, he seemed to enjoy it for the most part, being outside anyway and running around. Was asked to be a co teacher in our churches life group! This took me way off guard. You see we joined it late 2013, and had really connected with the group, and the past year I had grown greatly in my faith, in no way did I feel I was qualified to be a teacher. It was juts such an absurd idea, I thought it had to be from God. No person on their own could in sane state of mind think of it. So I took on the challenge. Started blogging. Its been nice to write about stuff, whether anyone reads it or not is not important.
May
Bought a new to us vehicle, a Dodge Durango. Its very nice, got a great deal. Taught my first SS class, on mothers day of all days. Took Chris camping for the first time, we slept in a tent. He did really well, of course he loves being outdoors with an endless supply of plants to tear up. He also swam in the lake, and rode on a boat. Had a blast. Got passports for the first time, for summer trip to Canada.
June
Summer time. cannot think of much happened for our family this month. The Spurs won the title, so i was happy. I challenged Desiree to teach me a full choreographed dance to a song they did in cheer. Went about a month, and got half way through, things interrupted us and we never finished. It was good Father Daughter bonding though. Signed up for one of those obstacle races, to take place I'm Oct. Started running/exercising with goal to lose 20 lbs in 3 months in prep for the 5 mile obstacle course. It got cancelled, but I did lose 20 lbs.
July
Jennifer and I took a full 8 days away from kids. Drove to Niagara Falls in Canada. Stopped along the way and ate at some food network spots, visited Rupp Arena, the Rock N Roll HOF, visited Family in PA, and spent the most amazing 4 nights on the Falls. It was so AWESOME. Thanks Jackie Kirsch for staying with the kids allowing this to happen.
August
Desiree starts HS and Josh starts Kindergarten. I feel old. Went and saw A7X in concert, thanks to Bryan Holman, concert bucket list check mark made. Took Desiree to do some volunteer work with our church life group, Very fun experience. Desiree challenged Jenn and I to the IBC for we did it. Man it was cold. This month 20 years of Jenn and I living under same roof. Visited my Dad at hospital, had to have some very difficult conversations about his future.
Sept.
This month my Father passed away. My step mom called at 2 am the 4th, to inform he he died in his sleep. I had thought I was prepared for this for the past few years. We had scares, and had moments we thought it was gone before. But he was so strong. The next 7-10 days where some of the hardest of my life. Dealing with family having different wants, being an exectutor of the will, and trying to make happen what My dad told me he wanted. Very difficult time, long lasting effects with family members still dealing with to this day. Jennifer also started training for the Dallas Casa program. Very humbled by her decision to do this volunteer program. Joshua started Baseball, in same league Chris was in, he loved it. Due to a school project, Desiree actually had interest in the SW movies. got to watch the trilogy with her. New work alignment, very blessed with what they did, took a load off.
October
Jennifer is CASA certified, and gets her first case. She is still working on it. Family outings for national night out in the neighborhood, and Halloween. Desiree tried out for a part in a Christmas play being put on by the local community theater. She got the part she wanted, a major role in the "Best Christmas Pageant Ever". She ended up having 12 showings over 4 weekends in Nov, she was awesome.
November
Saw my Fav NFL team in person for 1st time. Thanks to my wife, and some friend of hers dumping tickets for a great price. They won. O yea. Took with wife to see Kirk Cameron at church function. Had a BBQ and the group decided to call it Friendsgiving, and I liked that a lot, so decided we will do it every mid November. Challenged myself to be more verbal with my love for my family, did a decent job of it. Had great Thanksgiving dinner with all the Kirsch side of the Family.
December
Nothing out of the ordinary happened this month. Had a good Christmas with the family, went to our first ugly sweater Christmas party. Work wise the month was much easier than it had been in the past, the smaller district and change in direction has made this month much more bearable.
So that was the sarver 2014. Here's looking for an even better 2015.
January,
Was bit of a boring month from what I can remember. I had quit facebook for a few months in 2013, looking back I see I rejoined it right after the new year, so there is that. Dallas had a bad ice storm, and we lost power for over 3 days. Stayed with the Scherm's for 2 nights, so glad they are back in my life. Got to buy a chain saw due to multiple branches that fell. O wait was this Dec 2013? not sure now. It was.
February.
My little Brother In Law got married, welcomed Amelia into the family, though she already had been accepted. I have been so thankful for the Kirsch family and what they have done for me over the past 20 years, anytime it grows, it is a blessing. Jennifer and I had our first Valentines night alone since kids came around. It was awesome, had a nice room on the lake, and just enjoyed each others company. This month also marked 20 years Jennifer and I have been together.
March
Was a busy month. Work wise had couple in store events, got to hang with Kevin Fowler, and the Eli Young Band. Had what has turned into my annual B-day craw fish boil bash. My baby girl turned 14, which meant high school was right around the corner. This month was also the fist time Desiree experienced real failure if athletics. She did not make 9th grade cheer. She was so bummed for a couple weeks. But I think she learned a lot from it, and in the end that is one of the main things sports are for. Teaching life lessons like dealing with losing. For my B-Day I wanted to go bungee jumping and found a good place in Dallas, but you had to be under 240 lbs. I was 251 on 3/13 so had 8 days to lose 11+ pounds if I wanted to do it. Found a lose 10 lbs is 7 days diet that involved fruit, veggies water and milk only for a week. Did it and lost 12 lbs, weighed 139 on B-day morning. Worried that with clothes I exceeded the limit and they would not let me so did not go, but hey lost the weight.
April
Married 17 years, this month. WOW. Joshua also turned 5, kindergarten right around the corner. UK basketball makes the championship game. I have very fun time watching NCAA tourney. We got Chris into a special needs baseball league, he seemed to enjoy it for the most part, being outside anyway and running around. Was asked to be a co teacher in our churches life group! This took me way off guard. You see we joined it late 2013, and had really connected with the group, and the past year I had grown greatly in my faith, in no way did I feel I was qualified to be a teacher. It was juts such an absurd idea, I thought it had to be from God. No person on their own could in sane state of mind think of it. So I took on the challenge. Started blogging. Its been nice to write about stuff, whether anyone reads it or not is not important.
May
Bought a new to us vehicle, a Dodge Durango. Its very nice, got a great deal. Taught my first SS class, on mothers day of all days. Took Chris camping for the first time, we slept in a tent. He did really well, of course he loves being outdoors with an endless supply of plants to tear up. He also swam in the lake, and rode on a boat. Had a blast. Got passports for the first time, for summer trip to Canada.
June
Summer time. cannot think of much happened for our family this month. The Spurs won the title, so i was happy. I challenged Desiree to teach me a full choreographed dance to a song they did in cheer. Went about a month, and got half way through, things interrupted us and we never finished. It was good Father Daughter bonding though. Signed up for one of those obstacle races, to take place I'm Oct. Started running/exercising with goal to lose 20 lbs in 3 months in prep for the 5 mile obstacle course. It got cancelled, but I did lose 20 lbs.
July
Jennifer and I took a full 8 days away from kids. Drove to Niagara Falls in Canada. Stopped along the way and ate at some food network spots, visited Rupp Arena, the Rock N Roll HOF, visited Family in PA, and spent the most amazing 4 nights on the Falls. It was so AWESOME. Thanks Jackie Kirsch for staying with the kids allowing this to happen.
August
Desiree starts HS and Josh starts Kindergarten. I feel old. Went and saw A7X in concert, thanks to Bryan Holman, concert bucket list check mark made. Took Desiree to do some volunteer work with our church life group, Very fun experience. Desiree challenged Jenn and I to the IBC for we did it. Man it was cold. This month 20 years of Jenn and I living under same roof. Visited my Dad at hospital, had to have some very difficult conversations about his future.
Sept.
This month my Father passed away. My step mom called at 2 am the 4th, to inform he he died in his sleep. I had thought I was prepared for this for the past few years. We had scares, and had moments we thought it was gone before. But he was so strong. The next 7-10 days where some of the hardest of my life. Dealing with family having different wants, being an exectutor of the will, and trying to make happen what My dad told me he wanted. Very difficult time, long lasting effects with family members still dealing with to this day. Jennifer also started training for the Dallas Casa program. Very humbled by her decision to do this volunteer program. Joshua started Baseball, in same league Chris was in, he loved it. Due to a school project, Desiree actually had interest in the SW movies. got to watch the trilogy with her. New work alignment, very blessed with what they did, took a load off.
October
Jennifer is CASA certified, and gets her first case. She is still working on it. Family outings for national night out in the neighborhood, and Halloween. Desiree tried out for a part in a Christmas play being put on by the local community theater. She got the part she wanted, a major role in the "Best Christmas Pageant Ever". She ended up having 12 showings over 4 weekends in Nov, she was awesome.
November
Saw my Fav NFL team in person for 1st time. Thanks to my wife, and some friend of hers dumping tickets for a great price. They won. O yea. Took with wife to see Kirk Cameron at church function. Had a BBQ and the group decided to call it Friendsgiving, and I liked that a lot, so decided we will do it every mid November. Challenged myself to be more verbal with my love for my family, did a decent job of it. Had great Thanksgiving dinner with all the Kirsch side of the Family.
December
Nothing out of the ordinary happened this month. Had a good Christmas with the family, went to our first ugly sweater Christmas party. Work wise the month was much easier than it had been in the past, the smaller district and change in direction has made this month much more bearable.
So that was the sarver 2014. Here's looking for an even better 2015.
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