Jennifer and I have been married almost 18 years now, we have been together over 20. It would be an understatement to say we have had a difficult marriage, especially years 3-15. That is a long period of time to be in a relationship that was for the most part an unhappy one, but we did. A couple years ago, both Jennifer and I realized that no matter what we tried, without putting God in control of our lives and our marriage, it would not work out, and we made the choice to do just that and it saved not only our marriage, but our lives as well. So that would be the #1 reason why we did not have a happy marriage for all those years, and the main reason why we now are working on one.
That being said I have identified many other smaller things I personally did that lead to the troubles of our marriage, and thought I would share a few of the biggest, and how I overcame them.
1. PRIDE
a. I have a problem, of needing to be right. And I see this problem in many people, and they do not even realize it. One of my favorite sports radio personalities is Colin Cowherd. And he has a thing he says about fans over crazy about their team. They have the need to BE RIGHT over getting it right. I suffered the same thing many times in my marriage.
You see we all have many ideas, opinions and thoughts on how things should be, what is the right way and wrong way. And that's OK. And we all use those to determine how we act, or what are are going to do or say in a given situation. That's good as well. But here is the problem, so often we are so hung up on our own idea/thoughts, we automatically ignore other ones, or we label those as wrong. And even if our idea/thought could be right in a given situation, we do not look closely enough at the situation at hand to ensure it is the right one or not to fit our ideas. Often we end up trying to force our idea as the right one, or trying to justify it, whether it was right or not. Many times it is situations that are not even that important to be right, but my need to be right took control and became more important than the situation itself.
I'll share a couple personal instances.
I usually drive when we go places, and for the most part I am better at remembering/knowing a route then Jennifer. She lives by her GPS system. Well if Jennifer would ever suggest anything that contradicted by choices while driving, either my route, speed ETC, instead of actually taking just a moment to think about her suggestion, my need to BE RIGHT caused me to make a snap reply defending my choice or arguing against her suggestion. It often came off as very rude and dismissive as well, and often lead to an argument. She once pointed out that I was traveling 70 in a 55, and without even thinking I snapped, "the last sign I saw was 65", so I'm OK. Not even wondering if maybe I missed a sign or how long was the last sign I saw, Yet when the situation was switched, and I made a suggestion to her, if she did not want to at least hear it, I got upset as well.
Jennifer and I have had some different ideas on how to punish the boys. And in the past, I would feel so strongly about my ideas, that even though I would stand there when she gave her suggestions, my need to be right took over, and I didn't actually listen to hers, or I listened only to find ways to find holes in her suggestions, to prove them wrong. This of course lead to me arguing against her ideas, without even taking time to think about them. And then again reinforcing mine as the right way..
This "Need to be right" came from pride. You see I have always been a person that people close to me has looked up to, or admired. I am saying this not be vain, but to give you a little understanding. I have 6 siblings, and many of them have come to me at some point in their lives with major needs, a place to live, money or a job, and advice for many various circumstances. And early on in my life I was able to help them, give them what they asked for. This lead to me being "the one who was stable, could be relied on". If others came to me to be able to do the right thing, then what I thought must be right more than others. And if my suggestions helped them, then of course the need for my suggestions where there, more then they even knew. Or at least that is what I began to think.
b. I had no idea how to love, but I thought I could make up for that with doing what was "the right thing to do". Do to various reasons, ones for another post, I grew up having a very warped idea of what love was. Now I actually knew this from the get go. I knew that what I thought about love was not what love really was, but instead of admitting it to myself, and learning what love was, I instead trained my self to "act" loving. And I did a hell of a job with the act. I was good and seeing what people needed, and if I wanted that person to think positively of me, I would meet that need. When it came to dating or interacting with my brothers and sisters, I did the same thing. And it worked quickly. Now you might ask, what's wrong with meeting a persons needs? Well nothing, if its done out of love, but mine was done out of manipulation. Now I have to admit, I was not doing this with bad intentions, not trying to be a manipulative person, but I was doing it to replace what I could not do. I could not love, so instead I gave what came off as love, but in the long run was seen as the act it really was. Then when my act was exposed, my pride would not allow myself to try and correct it, but instead fight the person who was exposing me. This of course lead to a lot of fights and arguments, and with point a, my need to be right, the fights very often never got resolved, unless the other person gave up. This of course is the exact opposite thing you need to happen for a successful marriage. But that is what I did for many years.
c. I was very ashamed of who I really was, what I really thought, and what I thought I wanted. This also helped lead to point b. My shame in what I really thought of myself, lead to me creating the act, portraying a person, one that I thought I was supposed to be. For so long I hid my true feelings from Jennifer, cause I was scared of what she would think, and my pride would not allow me to actually truly open up to her. Instead I made up some things, or created half truths about my life, thoughts or feelings. Ones that gave her what I thought she needed, or things that would lead to me getting what I wanted from her, but still hiding reality. Hiding the things I was not proud about. Not being fully honest with her, of course lead to a lot of mistrust. lead to a lot of hurt feelings, and a lot of resentment.
So how did I beat pride? Well I have not yet. But I have weakened its hold on me. So how have I done that?
First off, of course was what I started this post off with. I gave my life to Christ. But lets be more specific.
I have had to learn to put more thought into things, and instead of worrying about being right in a given situation, try and realize what is really important in that situation. Actually taking time to think about things as opposed to reacting was very important for me. You see my natural reaction was always the ones to defend myself, prove myself, which lead to proving others wrong. No matter what was really right or wrong, as long as mine was accepted as right. But now I am trying to not to react, trying to act out of thought and reason more often. Focusing on the situation at hand, and what the actual end goal should be, not worry so much by who's ideas we reach that end goal.
I have learned to love. How, well again 1st off was excepting Christ's love. And then once I have that, letting it flow through me. Sounds easy right? Well it should be. But my pride made it hard at first. To start I had to come clean of all my lies or so called half truths. I had to swallow my pride and let Jennifer and others know the real me. Once I did that I was able to realize that God's forgiveness and grace was there for the taking. All those things that I had to be ashamed about, no longer seemed to matter. The saying the truth will set you free is real people. Even if that truth sounds like the worst thing in the world. Cause guess what. Whatever you have done is not the worst thing in the world. That designation is held for someone else's actions. And if the people you are truthful with are meant to be a part of your life, then they will love you still even knowing it.
I have learned that I have been forgiven. You see for so long I was ashamed of who I was, and that shame lead me to hide the real me. I thought that if people knew the real me, they could not love me. But once I realized the truth, the fact that my sins, my shame, my hurt was already dealt with, all I had to do was give it away. For everything I was ashamed about, or hurting over, God knew of, and yet he still put me here something much greater. But I had to allow him to take that shame, take that hurt away. Accept his forgiveness, before I could experience what that greater something was. That is the beginning of God's will, then end, well I am excited to see it.
In all I have realized one BIG thing. I was put on this earth to show others Christ love, I am still learning how to that best, but the first part was accepting it, and that lead to all other things getting better, including my marriage.
Part 2 coing soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment