Wrong priorities/poor leadership.
These things could be separate and in many cases are, but for me they kinda go together.
The Bible says that the Man is the head of the household, and should love his wife as Christ loves the church. This is stated right after the saying a wife is to submit to her husband, but many times forgotten by men when this topic is brought up. God intends the man to be the leader of the household, just as Christ leads the church, spiritually and physically. And as a leader of the house hold he is to set family priorities and family doings as God leads him to. I have recently just begun to understand this, and have started the process to do this as intended.
Initially, I ignored my role as a spiritual leader. I had a lot of anger towards God, and due to that, lived a life as far away from him as possible. In doing this I failed to deal with the pain I encountered early on in life, that lead to a lot of anger towards people in general, and prevented me from being able to be a loving individual. Instead I dealt with my pain and anger in other ways, ways that will be part of part 3. But these ways caused me to be the opposite of a leader, but instead a person that just reacted to things, and reacted badly in most cases. Think about many qualities you see in a good leader.
a. sets good examples
b. plans ahead
c. takes time to stay informed/knowledgeable.
d. thinks big picture
e. is unselfish
etc etc
I failed to do many of these. Instead I focused on my pain and anger, my problems. And in doing this I choose priorities in life that met those needs, instead of the needs of my wife and marriage. My priorities where to meet my own needs, financially, physically, and others. I even fooled myself many times that those needs where "our" needs, or by focusing on my needs, kept me in shape to meet my needs as a husband. I had it completely backwards. I had priorities lined up like this, my needs, my child's needs, then others including my wife. Many people especially parents make these mistakes. putting their kids needs above their spouse, but that should not be the case. Even the Bible says so.
Remember the movie "A few Good Men". In it the marines had a code. Unit, core, God, country. Its a good code with one big exception. Think of Unit as spouse, core as other family, but God needs to be first. So our code should be God, Unit/Spouse, Core/Kids, Country/Extended family and friends. Gods will is for us to be a proper spouse/sibling/person, so by putting his will first, you meet the needs of everyone else in the process.
I thought by working my ass off, to make more money, I was loving my wife and children by being a provider. I thought by overextending myself to others outside my wife and kids, set a good example of what a loving person should be.I thought by doing certain sinful things that alleviated my personal pain, helped me love my wife and kids better cause I did not burden them with the pain. I thought a lot of things, except what God wanted of me.
And for 15 years, my marriage became more and more of a struggle every day. My fake ways of loving my family started coming through for what they really where. To the point where my daughter was starting to fear me instead of respect me, my wife no longer could bear being near me, and I hated myself even more than ever.
So I remembered some teachings from my childhood, things I had heard in church, and from my mom and dad at times. Though I had been hurt by the church, and for so long that was all that I focused on, I for once took the time to try and think about the positive things I did feel as kid, when learning about Christ, and his love for us. And out of desperation, cause I hate to fail, and a failed marriage was not gonna be accepted. I broke down and prayed, and asked God to take my pain away, take my anger away, and if possible help me understand what it means to love and be loved.
Here's the awesome part, God had already done all that I had asked from him, I just failed to see it and accept it. He has done that for all of us. All we have to do is accept his love. The once we are able to accept it, it flows through us, and to others. So I did, I also realized I was forgiven for all I had done, and that as long as I accept that forgiveness, I could then forgive myself. Cause in the end, that is what we all need to do.
So now I am learning what it is to love, and be loved. Learning what it is to be a real leader of the house, and though I am still struggling with many aspects of it, I understand I am forgiven for those struggles, and as long as I keep my eyes on God, and leaning on him for guidance, the rest of it will fall into place, cause that is his plan for all of us.
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