#3 big reason why my marriage almost failed, part 3

Well, is has been a while since I wrote parts 1 and 2. So long I had to go a read them again myself. I figured its time I concluded this self lesson. So what is #3

First a reminder of 1 and 2. Pride, and bad priorities/leadership.

Both of these stemmed from the 3rd reason I am about to go into. Its the hardest for me to talk about, and why I am writing about last. Even now as i type, I am trying to find other things to say than the big #3. So lets get to it.

I was insane. Well not really but I thought I was. I had 0 respect/love/positive feelings for people, my self included. Instead I actually had the opposite. I looked as others with complete disrespect, hatred, and any other negative emotion you want to sum up.

That being said, how specifically did it almost kill my marriage? Easy one huh. Well first off I did not respect my self. I actually thought very little of myself. Many people who knew me growing up and even in my 20's always saw a very confident/cocky person, but was all a huge lie I lived. So well that I actually believed some of it, but really deep down, my self worth was nothing. There are a couple reasons on why I felt the way I did.

1. I was sexually molested as a child. Not a lot that I can remember, but I do remember some. Then as a teenager, I was sexually assaulted as well.

2. My whole life growing up, I felt my self worth was based on what I could accomplish. My grades, my skill in sports, or whatever earthly material things I could gain temporary recognition for.

3. Not feeling like failure or messing up was allowed.

Put all 3 of these things together, you have one mentally immature person who thought sex/love was only a physical animal type thing, constantly trying to be perfect at whatever I was doing, and of course constantly failing at it, and then hating myself for it, well because good people do not fail so much.

Due to this I really did not form many real relationships growing up, I can honestly say I had one friend in High School, many acquaintances, but one real friend, and only cause he was so un social, he did not have any either, so we kinda clicked. But then he realized after HS that I treated him so poorly his friendship too faded. Also when I finally did have a girlfriend, I had no clue how to treat her. She was just coming off a huge breakup, and I was just a rebound, and at the time, was so naive, that I just went along with anything. We had sex very quickly, cause I was clueless, and she wanted to get over her breakup. Well that work out great of course. She cheated on me, and I accepted it like it was no big deal. Why cause I wasn't really worth being loved anyway. Anyway it ended after a short while, and I ended up feeling more worthless, and that no one would ever love me.

Now while I am going through all this, I started to develop some very odd feelings and urges. Early in my teens, porn was introduced, but unlike other boys dealing with puberty, and just was wowed by the sex/nudity of it. my mind went very off the wall. My hatred for life in general, lead me to try and make everyone else be as bad as me, so maybe I would not feel so bad about myself. You hear many people say that porn is degrading cause it causes people to look at and treat people as meat/sexual objects instead of respecting them as people. Well I took it farther, they where not just sexual objects, but objects that needed to be beaten down and made into nothing. I say this cause I did not just look at women this way cause of porn, but all people.

After being sexually assaulted at 16, I now looked at everyone as the enemy, as one who needed to be destroyed, so that my worth could be lifted above theirs. Now I new my feelings where wrong, and I credit my strict religious early childhood to this, so I did not act out on the feelings I had. But O man did I have them.

I would imagine things that I thought only serial killers imagined. Ever see that movie American Psycho, and how his mind would drift off on killing someone in some crazy obscene way as they talked to him, well that happened to me all the time. I would imagine raping women and men. Killing them in most gruesome ways. Right as I was sitting across from them eating lunch. I needed to imagine making them feel what I felt. So many inhumane things would cross mind when I was dealing with people, that I tried really hard not to allow anything real to happen with anyone. so no real relationships would be formed. Cause I was so scared one day I would act on those thoughts.

Well enough of that talk, as you probably are now scared to sit across from me.

So I met Jennifer, and we went out, and for the first time in a long time, sitting next to a person/non stranger, especially a woman, did not feel as uncomfortable as a bed of porcupines. I was able to suppress those odd feelings long enough to give her them impression that I loved her, and even do things that a loving person does. So much so she married me. But the suppression of those feelings was temporary. Well I again could not act on those feelings, that strict upbringing was always in the back of my mind, and I knew that acting on them would eternally damn me. So how did I deal with these feelings. Well the Internet was becoming huge. And you know where this was leading. Porn right. Well yea, but again it was different for me then just porn. For me I found ways to actually talk with people, through these porn sites, and though the things we discussed initially where usually just sexual in nature, for me it was a way to lead up to other, darker things. Though these sites I found people willing to discuss things like rape/murder/incest, and any other sick and twisted things you could think off. So not only did I get to discuss and role play these things in my mind with other people, but the very fact that others where out there willing to discuss them, made me feel like hey maybe I was not that bad a person after all. People would share pictures, and themselves in role play from. and I would do the same. The I thought, If others are thinking what I do, them maybe it was actually normal, and everyone else was just scared to admit those things about themselves. In a sense I was enlightened, and others where suppressing themselves. Maybe we where all just animals and should act like them as well.

Well Of course Jennifer found out, but at the time only saw some basic conversations. and confronted me. I won't bore you with the details, but I was able to twist it enough to convince her that I loved her still, and these things where just stupid worthless mistakes. So much so that I made these mistakes over and over for the next few years. Each time saying whatever I could to keep Jennifer from knowing how bad it really was, and keeping her from tossing me to the curb.

Well, she found out one last time, and I finally somehow realized the gravity of my situation. Well Kinda. Realized it enough to stop the Internet stuff, and learn to suppress the thoughts to a certain extent. But it was all just a mirage.

Without that online outlet, I had to find other outlets, and that is where my anger and physical rage came into play. Every time I was challenged in any way, I would react in such angry ways. Lash out to beat down the person, show them how worthless they where, so my lowliness was not so bad. Jennifer and I would have such heated arguments, evil things where said, things where thrown, and even at times, things got physical. And even though she played a part in these fights, looking back at them, I now know, they where all because of my rage and hatred for myself. This also lead to the distruction of other realtionships in my life.

Somehow through all this, Jennifer stayed, though we separated at times, divorce was filed once as well. But each time I was able to swindle my way back in. Until that one day. I looked at her after a fight, and realized, there was no way I was going to talk my way back into this relationship. Also did I even want to anymore?

Well there was one part of my nature that saved me/us. My hatred for failure. I was not gonna have a failed marriage. But how was I gonna prevent it? Well, through out all those deep dark feelings I have talked about, laid one that I never allowed to show. One where I knew God loved me, and that only through him could I succeed. So I prayed, and he responded.

Started counseling, started actually to listen to God, through church, prayer, and others. Realized that even with all the crap I had done, and been through, I was worth something to him. which in turn made me ok with being worth while to others. Only then could I properly deal with those urges/feelings towards others. And realized the one big thing, God needs to be in control, God can handle all things, and make all things new. I was not made to be able to do those things on my own. I was made to rely on him, and when I did what I was made to do, other things felt right, and fall into place more often for good.

So now a couple years later, I can say that those thoughts are no longer an issue. O they still come up from time to time, and I feel they will always be something to deal with. But no longer an issue cause I give them to God when they come up. And they are no problem for him. And here is the kicker, for me at least, having those thoughts, and failures are OK, as long as I give them to God. My worth is not based on not failing, but based on God's grace that has always and will always be there.  No longer was my worth based on my earthy accomplishments, but his grace and grace alone.

So now with God's grace and love, I no longer deal with the feelings or urges to act out in the way I did. I hope his grace is also there to allow you to not look at me differently after reading this. but if you do, I pray its not negative in nature, cause I now have only God's love for you and everyone else.

Getting my priorities in order.

I have been thinking a lot recently about my priorities in life. And in my thoughts I realized a few things. Though I say certain things are a priority, if you look at my life I wonder are they really?

Let me start by making a list, its pretty simple and pretty common.

My God and faith
My wife
My kids
The family I enjoy
My friends
Myself, meaning those interests that I have but might not include the ones listed above.
My Job
My health
My family I don't enjoy, " Cmon we all do it"

That will do for now. So sounds like a pretty typical list right.

So as I think about priorities, I start thinking what it really means to make something a priority. And here is my simplest explanation of what I think a priority is.

Something/someone you choose to spend time in/with over other possible choices. Meaning if something really is a priority, then I choose it over something that is not when the time comes to make the choice. You see its a choice, and not one something life or others make for you. Its a personal choice.

Well darn it, if I think that way, my priorities are way messed up. Why you ask. Well since I am being honest, I have to say that very rarely choose to spend time with my God and in my faith over so many things that even are not on the list. I mean how often do I spend time time playing a card game on the Internet, or a stupid game on my phone. Watching TV. Or what about social media, how much time do I spend wasting away reading a lot of pointless info, instead of reading the Bible, or talking with my God. How often to I choose ones of those over my wife or kids/

How often do I choose something down lower on this list over one another on the top?

Now before I go any farther, I am not laying a guilt trip on you, and I am not saying that if I or anyone does not choose the #1 on the list every time over one down lower that your failing at keeping priorities, but I am asking myself how often do I make that specific choice. Cause the amount of times I make the choice will determine what I am truly making as a priority. So looking at it that way, I would have to admit that social media, pointless games, and TV at this point in my life take priority over spending time with God, specifically in his word, cause I easily choose those and a daily basis way more often then the Bible, or over prayer.

So now I am depressed, thanks self.

Also now I have to look at how my choices are effecting the priorities that I have on my list. Do my choices reflect that God is a priority, that my Wife is one, that my are kids are one? If not then how does that affect them. Not only do I want them to be one, but I want them to feel like one as well. That means when the opportunities arise I have to ensure I choose them over others lower or not even on the list.

So now to start working on those choices. Instead of that game I play every evening, read a chapter of the Bible, once or twice a night. Instead of watching 5-6 TV shows each week, watch only 3-4 and replace it with a game with my kids. Just like so many other things in life, its a true choice, and if we do not choose the ones on the top of the list, then maybe  the list is not a true reflection of reality.

Proud Father for sure.

OK I am just gonna say this very quickly.

You know how one thing you child does, just makes anything bad/negative in your life seem insignificant.

Well this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKsywtiORT0&feature=youtu.be