I failed my family for years

OK let me start by saying this is not a post of wallowing in self pity. I am not looking for sympathy for anything I am about to write about. I have repented for what I am about to talk about, and I know God has forgiven me. This is more about the person I am trying to become, and openly acknowledging the hurt I have caused some people I deeply care about

I now realize that to be able grow into the person I am supposed to be, I have to be 100% transparent, open and truthful at all times, and I have to confess my sins and short comings. And this is what this post is about, my shortcomings as a older brother, and what it has lead to.

One thing I now try to practice, is instead of giving advice in situations, but  to share what has worked and not worked for me. I try to share that, and allow the person I am with discern for themselves how to use that information. For you see, I suck at advice, and my track record shows it. To often in the past, especially in situations with my younger siblings, I would share my opinion on what they ought or ought not to do. Many times my "advice" was more judgment, and criticism then advice. And many times I felt justified in the judgment I was dishing out because of the position I was in, or put in by others.

You see there was a time, when my younger siblings all looked up to me, even as they where adults. I was one that they thought had things under control, or they could always come to, and I would be there for them. And for a while I tried to be that person. And to be that person I hid the true me. But here is the problem, the true me would come out. The angry/sinful person I was would come out in the ways I would try and be there for them, by telling them how they where wrong, or how they needed to act in situations. And because I was not right with God or even with myself, of course then those situations would never turn out positive. Well this post is about those situations, confessing my sins on them, and being 100% transparent.

As an older brother, I should have been a role model. I should have been a man that if my younger sisters looked at, they saw a person I would want them to model their choices in men after. I was no where near that. I should have showed them what a loving man should be, what a leader of a household should be, and what a man of God should be. Some people will say, but that is what the Father should do, and they are right, but an older sibling should as well. As a teenager I was not loving, at times I was physically and verbally abusive. As an adult, my hatred of  what I was, would fuel the way I treated them. So here are a few specific confessions

To my sister Sarah.

I was not a proper brother growing up. I remember a time as a teenager, we got into a fight, and I pushed you down, and even kicked you a couple times while your where on the floor. I have no idea what the fight was about, but it doesn't matter the context, that was so wrong of me. After I performed your wedding ceremony. I allowed my pride to warp the fact that you came to me for things like that. And that pride came out in very negative ways towards you. My pride caused me to look at your life, and find ways to criticize things you did, in an effort to make you look so bad, so that I didn't feel bad for you looking up to me. Cause you see I hated my life, and the person I was. And I knew I was not deserving of the way you looked at me. So I had to beat you down, to feel deserving. It's messed up I know. So in situations like Jennifer's wedding, when I thought you where not acting appropriately, I would lash out at you, and do my best to make you look like a terrible person. I want you to know is you are not a terrible person. And I hope you can forgive me of my actions in these situation, and the others like that. These are just a couple specific things, but I am so sorry for them.

To my sister Rachel.

After I moved out of the house, I would look at the things you did and get so very mad. You see, I was a terrible teen as well, and I did well to hide my sins from Mom and Dad, so they never knew, or hid well that they did. But with you they knew it, and at that time, in my opinion did not do anything about it. I thought that they should have punished you in so many ways, and when they did not up to my expectations, I got mad. In same fashion as with Sarah, I thought that your faults needed to be pointed out and punished, so mine did not seem so bad. I wanted you to be punished to help me feel better about mine. Again very messed up. So due to this, I held a lot of animosity towards you, and later in life it would come out as being very judgmental towards you in many situations. One example It came out was in the situation around Sky's Bday, it hurt my family, but the real reason I used was it gave me an excuse to lash out and try and point out faults, whether they where valid or not. This was very wrong of me and opposite of the person I am supposed to be. Especially as an older brother. I ask that you can forgive my actions, and even some of the actions of others around me, cause I am at some level the reason for those as well. My judgemental attitude towards you was never proper, and for that I am very sorry.

To my sister Jennifer.

Very similar to what I wrote about Rachel. I also looked at you in very judgmental ways, only in an effort to degrade your life, to justify my feelings of mine. It was for the most part done very passive/aggressively, but done very often. I would dismiss your opinion, or point out things you did, like degrade the way you handled your family/kids. There where times I would criticize you openly to other family members, in a jokingly way, but those where things I should not joke about, or even discuss with others the way I did. If I saw you express an struggle, instead of listening toy our struggle, and listen to the way it made you feel, I would jump on the opportunity, to just criticize the way you handled said struggle. These type of things are again, the opposite of what I as person should be, especially an older brother. I should of instead shared love, and shared guidance by example, instead of worthless spoken criticism. These are just a few examples, but for them and others like them, I am very sorry, and ask for forgiveness.

To my brother Paul.

I will say that there are not examples like the ones I have mentioned with our sisters, that I have failed you as an older brother. But I huge one is the example I gave you as a man. With the age difference, as a teen and as an young adult, I should have been a godly example of what a person/man should be. I was not. You saw a lot of the things I mentioned above, and that example was very poor of what a brother should be. As you became an adult yourself, and the time we spent together, I also gave a very poor example of what a man should be. Conversations we had about women, conversations we had about life, at times I spoke in a very ungodly manner. Now I will say I have not seen you enough to know what you have taken from my examples, but that is not my responsibility, my only responsibility was and is to be a good example and I was not for many years. For that I am very sorry and ask for your forgiveness.

In closing I also want to say that if what I have just done, in sharing these sins of mine in a very public fashion, hurts or offends any of the mentioned people, or anyone else for that matter, I am sorry, that was not my intention.

So going forward, I pray that I can now be the person God intended me to be, and though it does not make up for the sins of the past, I pray It can heal them.

Thanks and God Bless.