11 years ago my 1st son was born. Though this was a very happy moment in my life, it was a very dark time as well. My marriage was really in shambles, and the pregnancy was not planned, and basically acting as a band aid to the marriage at the time. I had tried many ways to deal with my anger issues and none where working. it was at this time in life I really started to lash out at God.
But of course that day, I was a very happy person. My boy was in my arms, and all these ideas where running through my head. Thinking, what sport would he latch onto, I was determined not to push basketball down his throat. Would he be shy like I was as a young child, or be more like I me when I was older, Outgoing, not giving a crap what others thought. All the things a new dad wonders, especially with a son.
Well things between Jenn and I got better, as to say we stuck with each other, and a couple years passed. And we had a day I will never forget. The last couple doctors visits for Chris, where bringing up concerns. and finally it was official. Chris is autistic. Now I knew a little bit about autism, more than the average person I would actually say. And that was actually a bad thing for me at the time. If I was in the dark about autism, I could have used the ignorance is bliss line. But I was not. I knew that as things stood, he would never come close to doing what I and every typical jock Dad would hope. It all of a sudden didn't matter what sport he leaned to. It didn't matter if he was shy or not, cause I knew what society would think. Good or bad, it would be different. And in a private moment I all of a sudden thought does my son even matter anymore?
So we go thought the next couple years, learning about autism, and how work with him. We read books, we see some doctors, we get him in special classes. We do a bunch of basic stuff. One thing I was not aware off, is the many different levels of autism. This too though was a downer for me eventually cause guess what, Chris turns out to be on what is considered lower functioning. Though at a young age he does learn a few words, and does show some signs of being able to learn basic things like numbers and letters, those things slowly fade. I have not heard him say an actual intentional word with meaning but maybe 2-3 times in 7 years. And even then I wonder if he knew what he was saying. We came to a point of acceptance that he probably will never be potty trained.
So eventually I came to a point of just acceptance, Chris would be a son that we would have to care for as a infant probably his whole life. But this acceptance was not a good thing at the time. This acceptance happened about the same time we where also told our 2nd son was also on the spectrum, though he showed to be much higher functioning.but together it turned out to be like throwing gunpowder on a fire. My heart and soul exploded with anger towards God and life in general.
And it came out, towards my wife, my kids, my siblings. I hated what God had given me, and that my friends not a good thing.
Or was it, cause it ended up taking the consequences of my angry actions to end up bringing me to the point of finally saying, God I cannot handle this anymore. You have to for me. My point of view is killing, not only me but those around me. I need another way to look at things. I need your eyes. And for once I looked at my life through Gods eyes. And I saw things I never could before.
So now that I am trying to look at things through Gods eyes, I have seen so much, I never would have. Living with Chris and the unique challenges he creates, as actually been very beneficial in my life as an individual.
One way has he has helped me to understand what love really is. I you have read my past posts you know that being able to really love, has always been a challenge for me. For most of my life, love was something you said, it was something you felt in a moment, it was for all intensive purposes, something that relied on feeling. But That's what what real love is. Real love, Agape love as the Greek would say. Its Gods love. I can honestly say that without Chris's autism, I probably would not be sitting under the same roof as my wife and kids right now. Cause without him, I don't think I would have been able to realize that I need God's love. And that realization is what saved my marriage.
Another thing he has taught me has been patience. And when I say patience I mean the real kind, the kind where you actually are able to deal with things in a caring manner. Not the type patience that is so often used to just get the current situation over with. But the kind is talked about in the Bible. This has helped me both personally and professionally.
So to wrap up, I thank God, not only for that day 11 years ago, when my son was in my arms for the first time, and I had all these expectations for him down the line. but I thank God for every day now. Each day I come to home to my 1st born son, who has taught me more about love, then I could have ever imagined, and still has more to teach me. Has helped me develop skills that I never would have, skills that help me in all walks of life. But most of all I thank God for giving me exactly what he knew I needed, to get me on the path he has mapped out for me. Cause its that path, and only that path, that I will experience the happiness I was meant to have.
No comments:
Post a Comment