A little while ago, I took a serious look at my life, the way I viewed things and my complete lack of faith. Though I had known it for a long time, I finally accepted 2 things about my life that had to change. I had to let go of anger, and I had to have faith that God wasn't angry at me.
Once I did those two things I realized how so many of my actions I had taken in the past, where done out of anger, though at the time I thought they where out of Love, caring, or for a better purpose. Confused yet? Well I was. I held on to so much anger about things in my life, I would take it out on people in situations where they had wronged someone else is my opinion. I would point out the wrong doing, how it hurt another person, and come to the support of the said hurt person, by trying to show how wrong the 1st person was, and in the process I would release my anger onto them.
This would happen over and over, sometimes coming to the aid of the person who just before I was directing my anger to. It didn't matter to me who was hurt or doing to hurt, it just mattered that i had a person to direct my anger towards. Other than myself that is.
The comes the faith part. For so long I looked at the "so many bad things that I went through" as an excuse to say God was angry with me, so I returned was angry with him. My faith was, well I had faith that God hated and me that was about it. My wife made the analogy recently that God was always there in the room with her, she would wave to him from time to time, but never really had a relationship with him. Well if that's the case for me, well every time I saw him in the room, I gave him the finger and kept walking.
So then came the time I decided that this anger was going to be the end of me. Many things happened to lead to this realization, at this time I won't go into, but it happened. At the same time God was in that room, waiting for me to say hey I need help instead of F U. So I did.
Since then it is like night and day for me. Now don't get me wrong, Old habits die hard. I will probably always still be that guy who gets worked up about poor movie plots, and bad sports decisions. Ill even react poorly at times to some real life situations. But I know have experienced what it is like to not be angry at my daughter for making a dumb decision, though I still have had to scold her at times. But now in return over the past couple months, she has opened up to me in ways I never have experienced She hugs me randomly, and tells me things I thought I would have to force out of her. O and my relationship with Jennifer. Well lets just say, love is so much better feeling than anger.
So to end this post, I am gonna say, I am sorry to all those people in my life who have been negatively affected by the old angry man I was. He is no longer, and with Gods help that mans presence will be very limited.
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